To Confuse or Be Confused...

Sci-Fi Dad

2009-05-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

Personal log – 9th of May, 2009.

After FedCon 2009, I have been feeling a bit nostalgic about somethings and someone. It's my Dad. Later this year, we would be celebrating his 8th death anniversary. Yet something about that is so surreal. Not that he was an absentee parent, but it was his job that reduced the time we spent together in half, I guess. He worked in islands, while the rest of the family settled in another. The price he had to pay to give us a good life, and make sure that we had "roots" to call our own, instead of wandering like a family of nomads at every new assignment that he had...

I wonder what would've happened if he were still alive today and I planned and attended FedCon? How would he have reacted? Would we have exchanged a gazillion emails about the different sci-fi series that was presented there? Would he tell me about what he thought about the actors and the storylines? Would he tell me that he had huge crush on Erin Gray (from Buck Rogers)? Because I know he did tell me once that he had a huge crush on singer/actress, Cher, when I was in my middle teens. The only reaction he got from me was a big fat "Eeeww!".

In the 19 years that I've known my father, I would say that he probably was a Sci-Fi fan. He was the one who introduced me to Star Trek and Star Wars in the first place, although several years ago, I would have called it "baduy" (out of style or ouderwets [NL]). I think he would have laughed his ass off if he realized how big a Sci-Fi fan I've become now, and that I've realized how I love the TV shows and movies that we used to watch together years back...

A couple of weeks back, I bought the season 1 and season 2 (only the first 12 episodes) of the old TV series, Beauty and the Beast (Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman). I can still remember the happiness that surged within me when I got hold of those DVD boxes... But now that he's not here, I feel like I'm reminiscing the old times and that he is right here beside me when I watch the episodes. I guess now that I'm starting to collect DVD editions of the shows that we used to watch (McGuyver, MASH, A-Team, et cetera), I will also try to get my hands on other "older" Sci-Fi shows and movies (TOS, TNG, Buck Rogers, old BSG, et cetera) and watch them like me and him used to... This half-Klingon would hate to admit it, but I miss him terribly.

End log.

Who are we kidding?

2009-04-07T05:05:00.009+08:00

As I finished preparing my lunch for tomorrow, the song "Anak" by Filipino singer Freddie Aguilar, suddenly plays on my DVD player. Right there and then, my eyes wandered towards the photo collage I have made in my room... Photos of mostly family and of friends who are dear to my heart... Unconsciously, I burst into tears and collapse into the stool closest to me...

It's been months since I last went home to the PH. Three and a half weeks of just the family, friends and more family... Now, it's back to hearing news from home and that's it. You only get emails and digital photos sent to you... I am so thankful that I live in this era where the internet is something normal and what everyone has... I am so glad that we don't necessarily have to write long letters and wait for weeks before they arrive home and weeks before we get a reply back... I am so thankful that there is an option to calling home that isn't so expensive: Skype or any other cheap mobile prepaid that allows you to call the Philippines whenever and wherever you want... And yet, here I am still struck with a sudden nauseating wave of heimvee (homesickness).

Earlier on, when my eyes wandered and lingered on the family photos that I have on my collage, I am totally drawn into the whole spectrum of memories and even more tears run down the sides of my face. It must be true, what they say about once you've been home after being gone for so long, it's so hard to let go of the ones you leave behind again...

I've been listening to a lot of songs from home recently and although, some of you might say that I am baduy (old-fashioned [EN] or ouderwets [NL]), I don't really care anymore... My mom always branded me a crybaby despite my seemingly "tough and nerdy exterior"... For some reason, I tend to keep a brave face despite everything that is happening: the ghost of a memory of the death of a parent, the pressure of being the oldest child and grandchild, expectations of people around me, keeping strong and working hard despite the lingering fear of every migrant worker here in NL due to the recession... And yet here I am, I wake up everyday, and look myself in the mirror everyday and reminding myself of who I am and what I need to do... As a finishing touch, I put on that brave and smiling face just before I step out of the house... Yet, underneath that mask, there is this uncertain little girl who misses the calming voice of her mother and the soothing words that come with it... Underneath it is the scared little girl who is threatening to break under pressure...

Truth be told, I could just have been happy with my life in Cebu. I could have continued teaching or probably went back into IT to work as a Software Developer. I could have been with the family and friends that I have known in the first twenty-four years of my life, doing what I've always known and understood...

But there is just a time in your life when you say, "I've had it! I've had enough of this! I don't want this anymore! I want something new!" When that happens and you say it to yourself, you unconsciously don't see the wind carrying that request for a change of pace and a change of lifestyle drifts and someone hears it. Someone or something hears it and opens a door or even a window of opportunity for you...

Of course, that sense of adventure and the need to explore and see "new worlds" (I know, I know, I sound like a Star Trek ad) drives you to put one step in front of the other. You eventually end up taking a step into that door and you are amazed and drawn in by what you see and feel. True, the idea of living abroad, when you look at it through the eyes of someone who has never been there, is very tempting and it feels like you're in heaven... It is surreal...

Yet once you start living it, the realization, that it is as real as your previous life only with trade offs that you didn't expect, hits you hard. You realize that when you come home, you are coming home into a very quiet apartment and nobody's in the living room trying to make homework while listening to some insanely ridiculous songs... When you grab the TV remote control, you realize that there is no one to fight with when it comes to which TV show or movie to watch that evening... When you go to the kitchen, you don't see a sibling eating leftovers from dinner as a midnight snack... There are so many things you realize that were once normal things for you, are now the very things you look forward to doing when you decide to get on that plane again for home... There and then, you realize that the only thing that keeps you going on is the fact that the moment you hear their happy voices on the phone or when you read there novel-like emails, you are once again closer to home and yet still too far away to touch them and wrap your arms around them...

When I told my Mom that I wanted to find a job here in the Netherlands because I liked the country and the weather was good for me health-wise, I also had other reasons. I wanted to learn to be independent. I wanted to be free. I wanted to finally be considered a "grown-up" in the eyes of family... Despite being the oldest child in the family and being in my mid-20's, if you live with your family, you still feel the grip of your parents on you. That you are still that little girl that they used to lead by the hand.

The first few steps by ourselves is a feat of triumph, which we are so proud of that we push ourselves to take more steps forward. Unfortunately, there are times that we fall and we sometimes do fall really hard. When we look around we only see them (our family, our parents) so far away. We cry and just stay that way for a bit. We cry some more to call out to them to help us up... To take us once again by the hand until we can be steady on our feet again. However, they're too far away this time. They can only cheer us on. They can only encourage us to wipe the tears from our eyes and plant our palms firmly on the ground and push ourselves off the ground. They can, in fact, do only so much... So you are like an (emotional) cripple trying to teach yourself to move and stand and walk once again... No one else is there... No one else but you... Yet you need to get up and move because if you don't, you end up wallowing in bitterness and pain...

We realize that this wasn't something that we wanted. We wanted the financial security, yet we also wanted to keep that emotional security that we had for years...

Who are we kidding? Nobody gets everything they want in life. Like me, many Filipino OFW's (Overseas Filipino Workers) leave their families and homes to search for adventure and/or greener pastures...

I am lucky, in a sense, that I am single when I left home. But then again, I come from a huge family and all of a sudden, I'm in this country all alone... You don't hear the boys arguing on who is going to do the dishes... You don't hear your sister and your brother arguing who gets to watch what on TV... You don't get to run around the house anymore as you are being chased by your Mom out on a "Tickling spree"!

Probably, I'm starting to realize what really matters the most: the family I left behind back home... Who are we kidding? Life doesn't hand out all the good options on a silver platter for you to just take... Maybe. Just maybe. This once tough cookie has gone soft...

Post-it Moments

2009-04-06T22:42:00.001+08:00

Today, as I sat on my desk and saw the Post-it note on my computer monitor, I remembered that I wrote to myself to remind me of what I had done the day before. Daily Stand-ups are always nice because in a way it reminds you what you had done and what you are going to do. It also informs the team of what you have been doing. But when you are jumping from one task to another due to project dependencies or short chit-chats with colleagues (or your manager) at the coffee machine, which cannot be avoided, you have to write these things down and stick it on your monitor so that you have a "perfect" reminder of the day before.

I guess you can also say that I am a major Post-it user. Ever since that day I saw that scene between Lisa Kudrow talking about “inventing the post-its” in the movie Romy and Michelle’s High School reunion, I can never stop using them! I have Post-its everywhere:

My grocery shopping list is on a Post-it, sticking on the side of my wallet.
My monthly expenses and “must-haves” are written on two different Post-it sheets on my kitchen corkboard.
I have To-Do lists written on Post-its sticking on my planner.
I even have a digital Post-it application on the desktop of my laptop if the “paper Post-its” are not enough…
At work, I have at least two Post-its sticking on the sides of my computer monitor at work reminding me about things that need to be done on the coming Sprint.
I use them as bookmarks, reminding me what that part of the book is without having to skim through it first…

I guess Life is like that as well. I will not say that I am a person who knows a lot of things about life, because I'm not. What I do know, is that recently, a lot of things have happened in my life that makes me want to qualify them as "Post-it moments". (Note: I'm using the classic colored Post-its, not the overly colorful or bright versions of today... Eew.)

1. Blue Post-it note. Several days ago, I received an email from my mother that one of my dear mentors from Grad school died of a heart attack. Even not too long ago as well, one of my Dad's brothers lovingly known as "Speed" to his friends and to family and "Uncle Giant" died. Death is a very touchy subject for me and even more so, I don't like the idea of looking at coffins, especially white ones. Blue post it notes makes me feel sad. Whether you use a black or blue pen, this color seems to drain the life out of the ink and make it so look so sad and almost non-existent. These also remind you that life can't always be colorful and happy.

2. Yellow Post-it note. One of my bestfriend since high school is getting married. Yes, Peanut, I'm talking about you... ;) News such as these are like the bright yellow Post-it notes that brighten up your day and make you smile. It's always bright and will still try to be bright, eventhough you spill hot chocolate or coffee on it.

3. Green Post-it note. Green Post-it notes are dubious ones. They are the kind of post it notes that in some occasions show your note quite clear, and yet also in other instances, just like blue makes the original ballpen ink color fade and mesh with the background... The current economic crisis is like that. I feel that a lot being an migrant worker. You are left with a particular uncertainty despite the fact that Upper Management would tell you that everything is alright. At times like these, everything seems soooo dubious...

4. Orange/Pink Post-it note. Like the Yellow Post-it note, this one can be as bright and juicy as can be. These are the kind of Post-it notes which you use if you don't want to forget anything. Like a very important meeting or job interview! When I was trying to take my Dutch driving exam, I remember place a bright colored Orange or was it a Pink Post-it note in a chapter of my driving theory book to remember a very important rule in driving... These are like "exclamation point" markers and in life (and during that Driving theory exam), it felt as though life was highlighting the questions and answers for me... These are like things in your life that remind you of what really matters and keeps on reminding you that same thing over and over again... Like a sibling's birthday or that trip to Ireland which you owe yourself for a long time, perhaps...

An Ode to Wendy

2008-08-29T21:20:00.002+08:00

I’m angry. Yes, I’m VERY angry. But what I’m going to write right now is but a tip of the iceberg of what I plan to write sometime soon. Something that I may or may not publish but will contain all my pent up anger towards everything that has happened to me in almost two years of my stay in this country... But this post isn’t about that at all… This is about my anger towards men who suffer from the “Peter Pan” mentality and to the many women who become their own version of “Wendy” out there because they’re fed up in being in Neverland… I should know, I am a Wendy myself.

A few years ago, I read an article in a magazine which said that men or boys (or whatever you wish this confusing male gender of this species) are vain and proud of a lot of things about themselves, no matter which race or creed or age group they come from. I would say that is true. There are also gay men who have more or less the vanity of a woman, but then again they are a different story. Besides, I have many effeminate male friends who happen to be really good people. But these are the “manly” men that we are talking about here. This gender is so infused with pride since the day they were born that they are by nature quite stubborn, especially to people of the opposite sex. It is even true that even the simplest, kindest and most caring bloke you’ve known can be a blockhead and a major pain in the ass when they feel that we (women and et cetera) have struck a certain chord within them, which possibly threatens their pride and vanity as the “stronger and more dominant gender” on this planet.

However, in the end, it all boils down to one thing: men wanting to be boys; and boys wanting to be men, who later realize that their lives are less complicated if they just remain who they are. Unfortunately for us women, we are the ones who have to contend with these types of men. We, sad but true, do unconsciously fall for these 'immature' types of men. When the relationship starts up, everything is so nice and fun, and that’s where they excel in… However when trouble brews and when push comes to shove, they’ll drop you like a hot potato. Going out of their comfort zone is a big NO-NO because as far as they are concerned, they are happy there and they wish to stay happy, even if it’s for the moment. Thoughts of the future and understanding the consequences of their actions now are beyond their comprehension. They are indeed just boys trapped in men’s bodies…

What really gets on my nerves when it comes to these Peter Pan-like guys is that they are the guys you least expect to hurt you in the end. When the times come when the fun and niceties become boring and you have to eventually face the reality of life, they find you boring as well and not interesting anymore. When Wendy decides to grow up, Peter Pan says that the “connection” between them is gone. And when all is said and done and you both have parted ways, you think that you can still stay friends? It’s difficult. Why? Because you see him and you know that your feelings for him are still quite strong, yet the only thing they tell you that you two can’t be together anymore because there is no connection… But he still cares for you and that you are special to him…

Well, that sucks! That sucks big time! A good friend of mine has told me that “love” and “care” are but verbs, and we all know that most verbs are action words… Well, in these cases, they are. The action done behind these words are what speaks the loudest than what is said up front. So I wonder if these Peter Pans are telling the truth when they say that they still care for you and that you are still special to them… I tell you now, based on my experience, everything you say to these men during the start of the shaky relationship and after the break-up is futile. They won’t listen to you anymore, and the tears that you shed in front of them will be deemed as “drama” meant for during a relationship, not when you are friends… So if they tell you that they care for you, ask them what are they going to do about it? And if they can’t give you a definite answer, tell them to go to H@&l!

Even when you’ve parted ways, you still voice out your concerns to them because you still care for them. You worry about them in the present time and you worry about their futures because their priorities in life are so screwed up. You worry because you care… You care because deep down you still feel that connection you once had… A connection that Peter himself decided to ignore because for him, it has long gone, when actually, it is just faded into the background. His need for fun and niceties and living on the moment is so strong that it has completely overshadowed that connection… Ladies, I tell you, save your tears. These men are not worth it. They don’t give a rat’s ass about us, we might as well not give a rat’s ass about them…

I’m angry because now the hobbies I once so enjoyed I rarely do it anymore. The same hobbies that bound the two of you together. The same hobbies you thought you’d both share to your children… Yes, I’m angry because with these hobbies, they know no bounds… As a Wendy, I knew my bounds, and I knew what I need to do. I’ve learned and practiced delayed gratification. However, Peter Pans are a master of instant gratification. If it’s fun, they’ll do it with an ideology that says “screw the world as long as I have fun”. And what does that leave you…? Truth is, you are left with nothing… You become nothing…

Why can’t we ever get the serious and mature type of men? These men are very rare to find. They are either already hitched or not interested in relationships because they feel there are still more important things in their lives to do before they tie the knot. These men are 'early birds'; men whose mature character and serious outlook in life are shaped by hard and difficult events in their lives and/or the pressure that the people around them give them. Events which would probably shock men with the 'Peter Pan' ideology, whose heads are stuck in the clouds.

It’s funny how the latter type of men make you still laugh, make you feel special, despite their hard, and sometimes stone-cold disposition. They make you feel like a real woman. But like I said, these men are difficult to find. They’ve gone down from the clouds for a long time and they’re all grown up now… It’s now upto us Wendy-wannabes to get out of Neverland and start growing up… Who knows we might get ourselves real men and not boys…

My anger is yet to reach its climax. I’m too angry for my own good. I could blow up at everyone I know to let out some steam, I can even trash my room out of rage… But I don’t think that would be good and I don’t think that will do me any good. I am now in the process of finding ways to better myself and find productive and positive outlets for my anger… Truth is, I don’t know how long it will take for me to let him go because I feel so hollow inside… I don’t even know if that void will ever be filled… It may take weeks, or months, or even years… Who knows… And when after all the anger has dissipated, what will be left between the two of us? I don’t know the answer to that…

I am proud to call myself a Wendy. I will grow up and no one is going to stop me. I may grow old and mature in all aspects in my life, but it is a choice and a risk worth taking. Life is too short to be lived in the comforts of our comfort zones… Life is too short to be lived for the most shallow endeavors… I choose to grow up and live life as it should be, even if I have to lose some of the people that I once cared for…

Let me leave you a few quotes that I like and have pondered upon…

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.” – Jean Luc Picard (from the film "Star Trek: Generations”)

“Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” – Carl Sandburg

“Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.” – Charlotte Bronte

“I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“A useless life is an early death.” – Goethe

“Without some goals and some efforts to reach it, no man can live.” – John Dewey

“Study as if you were going to live forever; live as if you were going to die tomorrow.” – Maria Mitchell

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.” – Wallace Stegner

“Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours?” – Roy H. Williams

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

And my personal favorite:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain.

On my own...

2008-07-23T15:18:00.002+08:00

Sinds gisterenavond had ik deze liedje in mijn hoofd gespeeld. Ik weet echt niet precies maar die kwam in mijn gedachten en kon niet meer stoppen... Whatever...

***

On My Own
Les Misrables

(EPONINE)
And now I'm all alone again,
No where to turn, no one to go to
Without a hope, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to
but now the night is near,
and I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

En de beslissing is...

2008-07-22T16:52:00.001+08:00

Personal log - 20th of July, 2008.

Ik had gepraten met hem vannacht. Ik zei tegen hem mijn beslissing. Ik ga daten weer. Hij was verbaasd. Ik zei "ja, ik moet jou vergeten.".

Voor bijna anderehalf jaar, hij was mijn wereld. Alles dat ik goed doe hier in Nederland was voor mijn familie en ook voor hem. Ik doe niks voor mezelf... Hij was mijn inspiratie. Hij was mijn reden om door te gaan in mijn leven en dromen hier in deze land. Maar ja, alles is voorbij. Het is bijna twee maanden geleden.

Maar waarom is het moeilijk om hij te vergeten? Mijn "insomnia" was nooit als erg als toen ik in NSP gewerkt. Ik doe geen overwerk in mijn werk, maar ik kan niet slapen. Hij is in mijn hoofd als ik geen andere dingen denk. Wij knuffelen bij het bankje... Mijn hand in zijn hand. Want hij was mijn eerste echt liefde en ik wil hem niet verloren...

Ja, mijn leven hier in NL was nooit makkelijk. Nooit voor mij en echt niet voor hem. Ik had verschillende problemen achter elkaar. Ik had problemen met mijn nieuwe visa en sommige mensen dat ik ken hier ook. En ik was voor een tijd erg homesick. Als je blij willen worden, kan je dat echt niet doen met problemen... Ik was altijd bang dat ik teruggerstuurd naar de Filipijnen. Ik kwam door een culturele uitwisselingsprogramma en door dat situatie besloot ik dat in NL te blijven. Ik voel beter hier van een gezondheids perspectief. Ik kan ook een beter leven maken voor mezelf en voor mijn familie.

Ik hou van mijn land. Ja, het is zeker dat ik ben niet echt blij met de politici daar. Maar alles dat ik weet en ken zijn daar. Mijn heel familie wonen nog steeds daar. Maar ik heb gekozen om een andere land te wonen en werken want het is belangrijk voor mij om mijn dromen te volbrengen en in hetzelfde tijd mijn familie in de Filipijnen helpen. Waarom? Want ik ben de oudste en ik ben verantwoordelijk voor mijn familie. Mijn moeder is bijna vijftig en zij is een weduwe. Voor bijna zeven jaren, heeft zij her kinderen opvoeden. Zij is zo sterk en ik weet niet om hoe zij alles overleeft. Ik weet wel dat ik was nooit een makkelijk kind. Ik had gegroeid met een zilverelepel in mijn mond.

Mijn vader had een goede baan en mijn moeder werkt ook. Wij waren nooit rijk maar wij leven met veel voordelen. Toen ik een kind was, had ik iemand om mijn ontbijt, lunch, en diner gemaakt. Ik had iemand waar dat had mijn kleren gewasd en gestreken. Ik had iemand om alles dat ik wil doen. Vroeger had ik in dure privé scholen gestudierd. Mijn zusje (2e) en broertje (3e) had dat ook gehad toen mijn vader leeft. Maar onze "fairy tale" leven was kapot toen mijn vader dood was. Ik studierd mijn diploma bijna af en ik dacht dat mijn leven voorbij was. Maar alles ging goed want ik had goede banen in de Filipijnen. Maar ik wilt om iets beters te hebben voor mijn familie. Een hoger salaris dat ik kon niet hebben in de Filipijnen als een programmeur.

Hij is de aardigste man ik heb ooit ontmoeten. Maar na viertien maanden, zei hij tegen mij dat er is geen geestelijk verbinding tussen ons. Ik heb dat verbinding gevoeld... Met mijn problemen, had ik met hem veel ruzies en misschien is dat de reden waarom denkt hij dat er geen verbinding is... Maar hoe kan je jezelf helpen om sterk te staan? In de Filipijnen heb ik mijn familie. Mijn moeder. Zij is mijn ultieme bron van nieuwe positieve kracht. Zij gaat mij sturen om andere dingen te doen... Zij wilt niet dat ik blijf thuis... Maar zij is in de andere kant van de wereld. Hij was mijn nieuwe en andere bron van kracht. Misschien was ik moeilijk te hem... Maar wat ik deed was voor hem... Hij was nog een "man-child" maar hij was aardig. Hij heeft zijn kop in de wolken, maar hij was een aardige kerel... Hij moet nog groeien maar ik heb hem gezien als een "echt man" en ik vind dat leuk... Er is een verbinding, wel zacht, maar bestaand…

Ik weet echt niet precies wat gebeurt nu in mijn leven. I had lost the fight and now I don't know what to do anymore. Mijn other compass is gone. Waar moet ik heen nu naartoe? De beslissing is dat ik ga door met mijn leven… Hopelijk gelukkig zonder hem…

End log.

What happens when the ice melts...

2008-05-26T21:37:00.023+08:00

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
-- Anon

Here I am again, feeling more alone than before... Everything that was is now gone, and I am left with nothing to support me with. He was the object of my affections, and nothing could compare more for what I feel for him than in any other person in my entire life (except family, of course)...

He had said that I had built too many walls to surround me... To guard me... Walls that were programmed to fortify themselves when I get hurt... A defense mechanism which has always kept me most of the time in harm's way... However, he has in the most subtle way, broken down my barriers... He has, in one way or another, conquered some of those barriers...

Now, most of the ice that has once shielded me is now gone. Contrary to what he thought, he had slowly broken the walls of ice down, and now I am left vulnerable... Now I am left to feel every bit of pain that used to be numbed out from my system... How am I to function normally now when it took years for me to build the icy wall around me...? Maybe it is true, what they say, "true love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leaves the deepest scars..."

Love sucks. Sometimes I wish I didn't give in to it. But human as we are, we give in to it with the hopes that this one is indeed the ONE. Only to find out that fate will take it away from you. No matter what you say, even though you continue to fight for it... Eventually, you run out of the will to go on, because the pain is much more greater and the fear that nothing will change lingers in your head... But the love is still there and you are juggling it alongside your fears and the pain and the hope... One wrong move, and everything falls and breaks...

By the words of Shakespeare himself, "Parting is such sweet sorrow..." The sorrow and pain I feel right now is something that I try to hide, as I always have... A heavy mask worn to protect my already fragile self-esteem and pride. It is a pain that I might have to live with for the rest of this lifetime... It may hurt like he**, but yeah, it's all been said and done... I can only hope that time will be kind to me and heal it with as less stings as possible...

Interesting and funny...

2008-04-18T18:39:00.006+08:00

I found this link earlier today and I thought it was quite funny. I got it from Lea Salonga's blog (http://bigsis222.multiply.com/journal)! Although, I am not married nor do I have a child yet, I think this is an interesting topic... One, I think my father would have laughed about yet approved.. hehe =P As my dad would say, "magba-id ko sa akong kumo" (I will sharpen my punch!)

Here is the link... Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

However, for those who cannot connect to the link, here is the article:
-----------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________

HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________

SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________

CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _______________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _________________________________

If less than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? ____________

mother? ___________

pastor? ____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

____________________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

One year and onwards...

2008-04-08T17:41:00.005+08:00

Higante (Giant) and I are now one year and eightteen days old together and still counting... We have our similarities, but there are also a lot of our difference that makes us fight... Me fight him more than he does fight me... However, he's always been patient (especially when my temper is at full), and supportive in everything that I have been doing... We are a team... Not only in gaming, but also in RL (real life), I guess...

I know this is quite mushy, but I heard this song while working today... In fact, I almost hear it everyday, and everyday that I'm not with him, my mind wanders a bit when I hear this song... It wanders as similar emotions conveyed by the singer are stirred within me...

Colbie Caillat: "Bubbly"

I've been awake for a while now
You got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goesI always know
That you make me smile

Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

It starts in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I going to say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

Is it the song itself? Or is it because of a keyword in this song... hmmm... I will never know...

My desktop, oh desktop!

2007-11-05T20:41:00.001+08:00

*sigh* I miss it. The desktop of my "proudly run in Ubuntu" desktop! :D

Insane or competitive...

2007-08-13T18:13:00.000+08:00

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I am both... I can´t choose, because both are a part of me...

In my cocoon, waiting…

2007-08-13T01:32:00.000+08:00

Personal log – 12th of August, 2007.

It’s been almost two weeks since my Mom left to go back to the Philippines. Her visit has given me renewed strength… A joy inside that despite my distance away from her, away from my family, I know that they are there… For me. A daughter and a sister.

But a lot has happened before she came that has left me quite uncertain about myself… That has depleted my strength of will and has yet again made my confidence in myself waver… These things, I had no strength to tell her while she was still back home. Things that I was too scared to let her know how about because I know how much she worries about me… Things that I tried so hard to hide from her, but in the end couldn’t hide it from her as well… It breaks my heart to see her upset or sad or helpless when she can’t help me… And now, with SMSes and emails, I can feel her helplessness course through me as though I could see it as she feels it…

In this dire hour, I felt that I am alone once more. Alone in a sense because everyone I love can only look from a distance as I, like them, await my fate. When my Mom boarded her plane, I felt like a newly renovated structure, with the cement on the foundations still fresh, with its scaffolding and supports taken out prematurely. If things like these happened to me back home, I would have my Mom nursing me back to emotional good health, even if it meant kicking my butt to wake up and do something about my situation… But she can’t do that now because her time here was short… She had to go back home… But not now… I have to stand on my own two feet, on my own… And like that building, let’s hope it doesn’t crumble and break and collapse…

Despite having family and friends here, I am still a foreigner in this country. I am a nobody and I can’t do anything to help myself… I can only wait… It’s like your hands are tied and you are on a raft that you can’t even steer.

And although I’ve temporarily lost my footing financially, I’ve been given some sort of hope… Like my Mom said, maybe these trials were given to me because maybe I’ve forgotten and gone cold in my faith again… That apart from growing stronger from them, it is supposed to draw me closer to Him. Maybe that’s the reason… Maybe not. I’ve been recently renewed to the faith, so I’m afraid I still can’t be someone who’s an expert in it. But I do know that you have to do something, and let Him do the rest… Or something like that…

I’ve lost this round. I thought by changing my tactics, by coming here I could clean my slate and be on my way to a very merry life till the end of my days. But that wasn’t the plan for me. But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up just yet. I’m still sitting at the poker table. I’m waiting for fate to deal me my cards again.. and with that, I’m still waiting… Waiting for what lies ahead for me here… Like a caterpillar that has gone into it’s cocoon, I can turn out to be a butterfly or I can be an ugly moth…

End log.

He has tears for me...

2007-05-04T05:54:00.000+08:00

Personal log – 3rd of May, 2007.

It’s been almost one month and a half now since we both knew how we felt about each other. Neither one of us taking it too fast. Everything is slow and gradual. But how do I not fall so fast for a guy who has tears for me?

I grew up with the notion in my mind that a guy who cries is gay. That a guy who cries is a whoosie! But what kind of guy is he then? Did I happen to like a whoosie? Did I happen to fall for a gay guy? NO, I don’t think so…

He has tears for me… and he’s not afraid to show it…
He has tears for me… and he sheds them to show me how he feels…
He has tears for me… and he sheds them when the words are too unfitting to describe how he feels…
He has tears for me… and that makes him the man I’ve fallen hard for…

He cried with me when I told him about one of the most painful things in my life…
He cried when he was so happy about something I told him about…
He cried when he thought he had done to upset me so much…
He cried when I did something for him that was totally out of the ordinary for me…

So what do I do with him…? Do I still be the Ice Princess and still hold back? Or do I just let his tears melt the ice away…?

I think, I’ll keep him… He´s brave enough to shed his tears in front of me, and show me how he feels... I might never find a man like him in this lifetime… He is not rich, but he has tears for me… He has a big heart, and he has tears for me… He is a man, but he has tears for me…

End log.

How do you...?

2007-04-15T04:32:00.000+08:00

HE and I are Yin and Yang...
HE and I are also the same in a way...
HE makes the sun shine bright on a gloomy day...
HE is, in fact, my sun...

HE is sense and sensibility...
HE is logical and calculating...
HE is smart and well-read...
HE fills a lot of good things in my head...

HE says I suddenly go silent...
HE says I have a myriad of facial expressions...
HE says I'm a random element...
HE says he has yet to learn what goes on in my head...

HE is right... A lot of things go on in this head of mine. Even I get confused at the amount of information I gather and process every second... It's like each thought tries to get some priority... Ok, now I'm babbling.. I'm rambling about Operating Systems stuff... Ok, where was I?

HE fills my mind, especially on times when I am idle... It's like he's like these commercials in between TV shows, only better. HE has started to make me feel again... Slowly, the ice is melting and the ice princess is soon to be no more...

How do you share your thoughts with a guy who tries his best to read your moods? How do you share your thoughts with someone when you have a problem of how to get your thoughts out without the words getting in the way or misinterpretted? How do you share your thoughts with someone who wants you to be open about everything, when all the time you have told yourself to keep it all in... Fearing that other people might think you're crazy, silly, or paranoid...?

HE is right. I have yet to learn these things... I might be slow on it, but I will eventually learn it... I want him to know how I feel... What I'm thinking... He shouldn't be always guessing what I'm thinking... Eventually, he will also learn to read what's on my mind just by looking at my face and body language... Map my moods... I am a random element, even I can't change that... Well, not this soon at least...

The Sky and me

2007-04-15T01:27:00.000+08:00

The last installment... I'm doing a major downsizing of my blogs, people. You get crazy with all the blogs I have come to make. I need to organize it but also not make it worse... ;)

***

by KaSoRi
started 06-24-04
finished: 06-24-04

Dear Sky, when I drove by,
I looked at you;
With your feathery clouds,
You showed me your gracious smile.

You caressed me with the wind,
Relieved my tensions with your scent;
Oh how you bring the scent of the sea to me,
We both know that’s what I want today.

I could smell your tears,
and I could see them welling up inside you;
Oh how you try to hold them inside of you,
Yet when you break, you give it all out?

And when you are angry,
You grumble and roar;
Sometimes you are scary dear friend,
That I dare not offend…

Words and Passion

2007-04-15T01:26:00.001+08:00

The fourth installment...

***

by KaSoRi
started 03-26-04
finished: 03-26-04

Before I met you,
I always took you for granted;
Knowing that if I ever needed you,
I’d always find you hiding,
Hiding in a good book.

When I do see you,
And don’t understand what you mean to me;
I look at you, try to be you
and feel what it is you try to convey.

You are a part of me,
As I try to become a part of you;
You are my life force,
My strength as well as my will.

You are my passion,
You drive me to heights;
Heights and levels which I thought,
Were once impossible.

You drive me wild,
As you tickle my imagination;
You make me sad, happy,
Sometimes strike a chord and make me angry.

Oh Words, you and your kin,
Are an obsession to me;
A passion that I want to know;
To feel you and never ever part from you.

Am I?

2007-04-15T01:24:00.000+08:00

The third installment...

***

by: KaSoRi
started: 03-17-2004
finished: 03-17-04

When we’re out together,
I don’t understand myself;
Am I foolish for the things,
I ought to be or not be?

When I’m with you,
I think of a lot of things;
I feel a lot of things,
I haven’t allowed myself to have for a long time.

Am I a liar?
To not tell you how I feel;
When all of this time,
You have been most honest to me?

Am I too paranoid?
When everytime you get close to me;
I make up excuses,
Just to get away from you?

Am I selfish?
When I don’t tell you;
That most of the time I’m with you,
All I could think of is holding you near me?

Am I a hypocrite?
To tell you that I don’t need;
The affection that you give me,
When all I could think of is you and me?

When I’m with you,
I am always hoping,
That someday I can tell you,
How I feel for you…

To be able to hold your hand,
To be able to touch your face;
To be able to hold you close,
To be able to say how I feel…

Why you, Why me...

2007-04-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

Another old one... The second of a few more old write-ups of mine from a time long forgotten...

***

by KaSoRi
started: 03-17-04
finished: 03-17-04

Today, as I get up from bed,
The first thing that came into my mind,
The first chain of thoughts,
Was you and you alone.

I don’t understand how or why,
But I can’t seem to get you out of my head;
Why you, why me
Why have we come to be?

There must be a plan,
a plan for the two of us;
I don’t know what it is,
But I do plan to find out soon.

I’m still not sure,
What your presence means to me;
Or I to you,
Why you, why me.

Yet Another

2007-04-15T01:19:00.000+08:00

An old one from another blog, long forgotten by time and circumstances...

***

by KaSoRi
started: 11-19-03
finished: 03-17-04

The room, dark and unwelcoming,
The lights turned off earlier tonight;
My eyes focus on whatever little light,
No matter how minute, I care not;
For this light is shed by an old friend,
whose been there for months now.

The room is very dark now,
Its ambience, still unwelcoming;
If only someone had left the light on tonight,
I know some people likes the light,
(No there is no one whoeremembers not,)
Yet it seems that no one remembers it.

Oh how I wish there would be more,
More people and more light;
For I have found the lack of both,
Most frightening and unwelcoming;
Help me persevere tonight, oh Lord,
As I succumb to yet another night of overtime.

How I wish...

2007-02-22T16:18:00.000+08:00

Personal log - 21st of February, 2007.

"Ben jij verliefd, Kaye?" That is the common question here for me. Nearly three people have asked it to me already. And I have always answered them the same answer - "I wish I were..."

I always wonder why they ask me such a question. Especially now in my current emotional state of mind. Of course, they don't know that I've been already through a few relationships... and that one of them is the cause of my depression lately. Nobody quite knows that. I keep that within the confines of my room. Not outside. It's not professional.

But why do people ask me that? IS it because of my age? Or do I look like I'm in love? Do I project such an aura around people? Oh I hope not because I'm not really interested.

If I was "verliefd", what's in it for them? Is my being NOT verliefd affecting my work? Is that the reason that they have taken notice? Oh I hope not as well.

I think my "parameters" for a relationship has always been simple. I've never really, really looked for the most handsome guy to be my boyfriend. I've never even really looked for the rich guys. That would be too superficial. But those are usually "plus" points, but not necessary, because some of these guys end up being BIG jerks. But is it so hard to ask for a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders whom you share things in common with? A guy whom you can talk to about anything at anytime and still you don't get bored or you don't have to be scared that he will run away as soon as you come running to him with a problem/frustration or something that you're interested in but he's not quite into it... A guy who will not be able to give you everything, but he will give you his time and his companionship and that would be enough... But the big question is: DOES A GUY EVER EXIST?

But of course, I've been burned so many times that I am so scared to even think a guy of that character even exists. I am scared that if such a guy comes into my life, he would just slip away from my hands again and leave me miserable with myself. I am afraid that I might scare him away because I've been running "Red Alert" and kept my shields up for so long that he can't come near me anymore. I am afraid that if I haven't managed to scare him away, he'd get bored with me. I'm scared that if I haven't managed to bore him with my usually "boring" nature, I will scare him away with my temper. I am scared that if I don't scare him away with my temper, he will just slip away because circumstances would fit just like a missing jigsaw puzzle piece and not allowing us to be together.

I am a simple girl with simple wants. But I am scared that I give in to those wants I will become weak, as I have become now. I don't want that. If that was the case, then I'd rather be single. Ik ben hooploos, denk ik. Dat is een veel te groot droom. A part of me says, "How I wish..." Another part of me tells me "Dream on..."

End log.

This mirror indeed has two faces...

2007-02-13T05:08:00.000+08:00

Personal log - 11th of February, 2007.

The pail is full and has overflowed. I am once again in a depressive state of mind. My emotions are tied in knots. I have sorted some out already and I have come to a conclusion that maybe, I am just not meant for relationships. Bah. Relationships.

This is according to Webster:
Main Entry: re·la·tion·ship
Pronunciation: -sh&n-"ship
Function: noun
1 : the state of being related or interrelated
2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : KINSHIP b : a specific instance or type of kinship3
a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b : a romantic or passionate attachment

A romantic or passionate attachment. Bah. Romance and the kind of passion that is strung with it makes you weak. It all starts with attachment and slowly your emotions are so tied up with the object of your affection. And when everything goes chaotic and doesn't turn the way you at least hope it would be, you are tied in knots and you are left confused. You try to do everything you can, yet always something goes wrong. Nothing can ever be right...

I'm tired of doing that. But where can you find such a relationship wherein you don't have to necessarily have to pour out all of your emotions into it? Where in you aren't that much attached? In relationships, there is no such thing as a gray area. It has to be black or white. I've come to chose black. I give up on love. I don't usually just quit, but in this case, I do.

However, my work doesn't allow me to be depressed. I don't have the luxury of doing that. In the confines of my room, I can but when I go out my door, I have to put on another mask. A very fragile mask of being so tough and passive and all professional. As though nothing can get past me. As though I'm not affected at all. But when I go back to my room at night, the mask breaks and another face - the more truthful face, comes into view. The face of a crying and pathetic woman I had turned out to be. All because of this thing -- LOVE... This seems to be such a small word but it's effects can be mind numbing and can bring you down to your knees in tears...

I don't know for how long I have to wear these two faces, but one thing is for sure. I am raising my white flag because I give up and I stand by that decision... In a few days is Valentine's day, yet I don't feel so upto it. I can't take it anymore... Love and all it's so-called sugary sweetness is for woosies... I guess, I am destined... NO! I was born to be alone after all...

End log.

Emotional frostbite...

2006-12-05T06:46:00.000+08:00

Personal log – 23^rd of November, 2006.

Today marks the 35^th day of my stay here in the Netherlands. Yet despite the joy I have in staying here, there is still something amiss. Like the weather today, I feel dreary and cold and I don't wish to do anything but stay in my room and curl up into a ball.

A part of me is happy because I have finally started the journey to my independence. That I am no longer a teenager but an adult, who tries to fare in a world by herself. Yet, despite that need for independence, I feel still the need for dependence. Emotional dependence. I have tried to tell myself that it is time for me to grow up and that I don't need anyone. However, the more I say that to myself, why do I ever so desperately wonder how I will fare without them...? Why do I ever so desperately try to ask my Mom what to do in situations like these, to hear her kind words, her soothing words, only to remember that I am in another side of the world and that she cannot hear me?

Yes, I live with very kind people now. Kind enough to ask me how I'm faring. Kind enough to encourage me to do and explore things here. Yet, no matter how nice and kind they are to me, they couldn't provide me the emotional support that I need right now. As much as I try and pick myself up whenever I am emotionally down, there is always a point wherein I end up remembering that I am not strong enough to do it alone. That there was always someone, whom I could just run to and whose embrace or laughter or words were always enough to soothe my troubled soul. A compass to help me find my way again. Who knows in a few more months, I might find that in them, but not now.

It's funny how things can be so ironic. To some people, I have become their compass, their shoulder to cry on, their Joan of Arc. But to myself, I can't do that. I can only do little to get myself to snap out of my emotional moments. Yet I am afraid to reach out to someone else because I'm afraid I might become weak. Yet I am tired. Although I still want to become their hero to slay their dragons, I also need a hero myself, to help me slay my own dragons. But they are so far away. With the technology we have today they feel like an arms length away, but still they are so far.

I still feel so alone. I wonder for how long I can continue dragging myself to my feet. I wonder for how long I can go on like this. Yes, family and your best friends are important. But there are times when you can't have them around, you also need someone else... Someone who knows you and whom you know wouldn't burn you and eventually put you down because they've seen your weaker side. Someone you can be yourself with. But even that I don't even have. It sucks. I've been through many heartaches, some of which some people know already, to say I am tired of depending my emotions on guys. Sometimes they tell you that you are the one for them and then suddenly you didn't know you have become girl number 2 without you knowing it. Eventually you end up the target of girl number one to the point that when they got married, and he still looks at you, girl number one wants your head on a platter.

Sometimes they are too nice and sensitive that everything you do is wrong and exactly the opposite. All because the timing was not right or something. Sometimes you think that you and him are already nearly an item when suddenly he asks you the dreaded question: “do you think your bestfriend and I look great together?” I'm tired of having my emotions played upon by guys... It just friggin' sucks!

And now, I feel even more alone and depressed in a relationship that is separated by miles of land and water. A relationship that is becoming more “spannend” or tense with each passing day. WE are about to become one year this December, yet with recent conversations, I feel as though I have become emotionally frostbitten. Maybe because our once nice conversations have been reduced to just a few words of “Hi”, “hello”, “how are you?”, “how's the weather?”, etc. Is it the time difference? Because I can stay up for him if he wanted to but both of us knows that we have obligations ourselves. Maybe that's the reason why I want to be alone. You can never trust your emotions too much on people because in the end, it's just you who tries to pick it up. I don't know if things are going to pick up between us again, if the spark that was there will be back... I wonder if he had found someone else from where he's at? I wonder, if he's just to nice to tell me that “oh, I can't go there and see you because...” You fill in the blanks. I'm too tired to think.

My emotional batteries have been partially recharged. But like any battery, it still has a gap that needs to be filled. I don't feel brand new. Yes, I can still function properly enough to do what I'm supposed to do here. Enough to still be there for them. But not enough for myself. I wonder if I will ever be full? Without my other emotional support here, will I ever find a way to stay strong, enough for other people and for myself...?

Like my body and face yesterday while I was going around in the cold, I almost feel nothing...

End log.

Letting Go

2006-10-27T17:09:00.000+08:00

Personal log - 18th of October, 2006.

Tonight is my last night in the Philippines. I am in Manila now and I am with my Mom as we await my flight for the Netherlands tomorrow. We have spent the entire day together, and my thoughts also linger back to the rest of my family back in Cebu. My brother, TJ, has already sent his well wishes for my trip tomorrow. And the sad thing is, I haven't said goodbye to my other brother, John.

I left Cebu on the mid-morning of Tuesday. As much as I wanted to, I wasn't able to wake up early to say goodbye to my brothers and my sister. I had gone to bed at around 4.30 or 5 a.m. after some last minute packing. They had left for school around seven while I was asleep. But I am still thankful because Iwas able to spend my last few days with them. I was also able to spend my last few days with some of my friends and relatives. I will see them again in a year.
A year of new things for me: experiences, and learnings.

As I hung out with my Mom today, I realized that she still has this lingering feeling that I am still the little girl that she had twenty-four years ago. The baby she bore into this world. The baby she had raised, and protected from all the harm in the world she couldthink of. Yet, tomorrow, she will have to let me go. Her baby is now all grown up. She is starting to learn to stand on her own two feet. She is starting to learn "how to walk" on her own. I know she feels
a little bit apprehensive with me leaving. But she is letting me go. A good friend of hers once asked her, "when are you ever going to let your daughter go? She's all grown up?" She only said, "I'm letting her go when she gets on that plane to the Netherlands."

All my life I had always grown up sheltered. In everything I did, I always had my parents behind me, most especially my Mom. She has always been "that voice" in my head. She had always been there to guide me in everything I did. Maybe that's what made me kinda weak - easily homesick - because I knew I had her there beside me all the time. But I can't bring her to the Netherlands. The time has come for me to become independent. Yes, as early as now, it hurts I must tell you that. But that's life. I knew that eventually this time will come. A time when I would have to make my own decisions basing on my own facts and opinions. It will not easy, but this trip will be my learning curve. In this trip, I will truly come out of my cocoon and go into the world.

I don't know how everything will happen and go after today. I do know something. I'm going to grow. I'm going to grow for the better. I have so many questions running in my head. So many of my own apprehensions. But the time has come forme to learn more about life. To learn about the world. I will prove to everyone, to my Mom, that "her baby" is now indeed a big girl.

End log.

Manila, Embassy Interviews, and the countdown begins...

2006-10-05T01:19:00.000+08:00

Personal log - dawn - 5th of October, 2006.

The day before yesterday, I have returned from a very fruitful trip to Manila. Earlier today, I had my interview at the Dutch Embassy in Makati City, and I have been told to get my visa in two weeks time. I was only the a bit scared prior to the interview since the woman who was interviewed before me was asked so many questions and all my fears of my first interview (US Embassy back then) came back. That woman was really having a hard time and I knew that she and I were applying for the same kind of visa, so... It was one heck of an experience, especially since it was a bit embarrassing on my part... Nonetheless, I've never been any happier, but also a bit sad because the countdown truly begins... Now it's t - 14...

Also, I noticed since I arrived yesterday was that Manila is a huge mess! Typhoon Milenyo really really left its mark during its coming last weekend. I've never seen so much uprooted and fallen trees everywhere. Fallen billboards. Some of them toppling over buildings or houses. Creepy and scary. It reminds you that no matter how modern, how progressive a city is, a calamity as strong as Milenyo can really humble it and its inhabitants... When I got to Manila on Monday, it was the first time I saw Manila in a huge mess as it was...

We ended up staying at this small yet cozy pensionne house (St. Illian's Inn) near the Dutch Embassy in Chino Roces Ave. (Makati City). It was a nice place. The only problem was, the entire hotel was still running on generators upto Monday so we were stuck with an electric fan in our room. Not that I would complain. I was even very much happy because I'm not very much fond of airconditioning units. And to make things even better, it rained in the evening so it made the sleep even more comfortable and cool, and made the walk down to the Embassy even less hot.

It was the trip back to Cebu that was interesting. When we got to NAIA (Ninoy Aquino International Airport), we were 3 hours before our flight. It was good. We got to see people board their planes and see that there were many many foreigners in Manila at that time. I saw mostly Asians. I even saw guys who looked as though they were out from a Chinese Shaolin movie with the clothes and the hair and all... They were stopped at the first x-ray checkpoint because they were carrying bottles of ice tea. Then when it was me and my Mom's turn to be checked, we had to remove our shoes and belt buckles. I'm so used to airports now, however, I can't seem to get used to the idea of being body frisked. It freaks me out. I told my Mom jokingly that the next time we were going through this airport checks and body frisking things, we might be naked... :P

Then as we were about to fly, the Captain told us that we were going to be a few minutes delayed because we were number four in the queue of planes ready to take off. It was cool to see planes of all sorts of sizes preparing for take off... It reminded me of my brother, Richard.

I must admit I don't easily get airsick. But the plane trip back to Cebu was just bumpy. There was enough airpockets to make me feel like my insides was in a rumble. I hope that my flight to NL won't like that. I don't think I'll be able to recover as quickly as now, I'm still nursing a terrible upset stomach and a headache every now and then...

More to come in the next couple of days and the next couple of weeks...

End log.

Preparing the mind...

2006-09-26T01:48:00.000+08:00

Personal log - 26th of September, 2006.

Now marks the 5th day since my birthday and the 7th day since I received news of my IND's approval. For the past several weeks, I have been brought up for a state of almost lost hope and a feeling of boredom, to a euphoria of being high and a whole other myriad of mixed emotions...

Eversince I got back from Rizal from the training, I've been excited and seemingly the Cebuano and female version of Gary V. For the first month of waiting, I was "Miss Pure Energy". Not I'm not that anymore, but for some reason as the days and the weeks went by, and I heard news of my other fellow trainees leaving for NL, I felt a bit jealous. A bit jealous because I was so hyped up into flying already, that I didn't think I'd be picked almost at the last.. hehehe But then, for some reason, I'm here a few days from my interview date, and I'm scared as ever... Why? I don't know...

I'm 24 years old now but maturity-wise, I feel as though I'm still stuck in my teens... Yes, at times I ramble a lot... Some of them are facts... I'm a nerd, a geek, a dork, or whatever you can think of calling me... I read and I like learning new stuff... I like hearing other people's opinions in things... I also like thinking and thinking out loud... Some of them are just some wacky ideas that come out of this thick coconut shell called my head... So some may think of me as smart, some just think of me as crazy or weird...

However, everything you see is but one side of the coin... Just one side of the moon... The light side of the moon... The other side is a dark place which I try so hard not to show... I may look like a tomboyish young lady who seems so strong and manly, she's one tough cookie to crack... But the tough cookie is merely the outer part... Inside this cookie is a soft, fragile person ready to break... Guys are either usually intimidated by me or would treat me like one of them... Sometimes its great, sometimes it also sucks... Why? Because...

I have a temper which I so work hard to suppress... An impulsive drive to do things that sometimes I end up making the wrong decisions... Having seen my friends and family/relatives and their 'relationships', I've always shielded myself, placed a wall around myself, that even I have a problem going past it... But when I see them happy with the people that they love, I end up feeling jealous... Maybe because silently and secretly I wish I was as happy as that with someone who loves you apart from your family... Someone you can run to when you are down as hell, and you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's okay. Yes, I've stumbled more the past couple of years than my life in total... All in all, I am NOT PERFECT! And I've always tried to stand up, or when things are really rough, have dragged myself to where I'm supposed to... ALONE...

Maybe I need to grow up... Maybe this one year in the Netherlands will just give me that... I am so scared to leave... Everything is going to be new there... I might have prepared myself linguistically and culturally, but still you can't prepare yourself enough... Maybe I'm just becoming emotional because in truth I've never been so emotionally stressed in my life... The trip in Manila has been an eye-opener for me that I have a very bad case of homesickness than anyone there is in the world... But I'm not backing out... If there's one thing my parents have ever taught me is that once you've made up your mind, you should never back down from it and never regret the decision you made...

I AM GOING TO THE NETHERLANDS... For me its not the land of milk and honey... For me it will be my sanctuary and my proving ground... The place that will give me a chance to think clearly... And make me stronger than I will ever be... That despite the nasty case of homesickness, I will survive. That despite the numerous adjustments I must make, I will survive! That despite every wrong decision I've made, this trip to the Netherlands will make it right!

Maybe my Mom is right. Maybe, I really really need to grow up. Straighten things in my life... Career-wise, I am happy with teaching... Eventually i will end up working and doing my dream "job".... I will be able to make sound decisions... I may feel a myriad of emotions that I'm familiar with and some which I don't understand... I have to be strong... I am going to be strong.... Fear can be paralyzing, and I don't want that... It's all in the mind... I must prepare my mind for the bigger picture... The bigger picture is that in a several days, something new will begin... It will be a new chapter of this adventure called life.... My life...

End log.

Gefeliciteerd!

2006-09-10T02:20:00.000+08:00

Personal log - 10th of September, 2006.

Hallo everyone! How's you guys?!? I hope you're all doing fine.

Anyway, I'm here again writing something new in this so-called journal of mine. Although this post won't be anything about travel, but it sure is "POST WORTHY" in this blog since it happens to talk about something which has happened recently to the most unsung hero of my life - my Mom.

Last September 8th, my Mom finally graduated from her 12-month certificate course in Practical Nursing. Yes, it has been an interesting 12 months for all of us, seeing our mother going back to school and all, studying for exams like the rest of us... hehehe She will now tackle a new thing in her life - reviewing for the Nursing board!

It was really funny looking at things in a different perspective. Seeing my Mom go up that stage and get her "Nurse's pin" and her diploma was something different, especially since I was there sitting beside her as her "escort" during the entire ceremony. I felt a bit sad that Dad wasn't here to see her graduate, but I know, wherever he is at, he saw her and I know he was very proud of her. Besides, had my Dad been alive, I know, my Mom wouldn't have gone to Nursing school in the first place. I was so proud of my Mom! No, not "was", but I AM PROUD of my Mom! She, along with my Dad, has always been my inspiration to strive for the best in whatever endeavor I do. She has always been my IDOL! I think all of my siblings share the same sentiments as well...

There were a few academic and special awards given away during the graduation ceremony and I know my Mom deserved this award: "Best in Clinical Practice" award. I know by heart and I have seen in her dedication in her studies and work in the hospitals (hospital duty) that she knows what she's doing and she really is the hardest working Nursing intern there is! I feel guilty when there are times when I wouldn't drive for her, and she's very tired from working several hours in the hospital wards doing rounds and assisting in hospital procedures. But if I really force the issue, that would sound like sour-graping over the award, which is not something that my Mom has taught us. What is important is that, if ever she does work abroad as a Nurse (which I very much object by the way), she really knows what she is doing!

We celebrated her graduation at SIDELINE RESTAURANT, which was near my sister's workplace. The food was great and most of the important people were there. People who were dear to my Mom's heart. The cousins (from my Mom's side, who live in Cebu) were complete too! We had so much fun during the dinner. We all had a great time with each other, everyone were so sociable! It was as though we haven't seen each other in a very long time. Well, a few weeks apart from each other, we cousins tend to be so happy just to be gathered all over again! hehehe

Almost after the party finished, the older cousins (myself included) decided go start the "BALUT SESSIONS"... A tradition among us cousins which started eversince the time when Tante (aunt) Bhebs and Oom (Uncle) Erik and family came here to Cebu. Although I don't like Balut (duck embryo) myself, since I prefer to eat Penoy (just plain incubated egg), I was just happy munching along. Like I had a choice with the balut. The only balut available near Sideline was that of 14-day old chick embryo. So basically, it was my very first time eating it! hehehe Not really my favorite, and I suggest for first time eaters, please... oh please, eat it with salt!

Anyway, it was a great night. Great food and great company! Best of all, me and the boys were able to bond on the way home. Something I will never forget. It seems that as the years have gone without Dad, we have become closer. Not that having Daddy around we were so distant, but it seems that through events like these when we get together as a family, we feel closer... And if only I can capture that day and keep it as it, I would. I so wish Daddy was there... So now, Mom opens a new chapter in her life, in our lives... And we will all be there to continue rooting for her!!! Congratulations on your graduation, MOm! I love you so much! We love you so much! You deserve it!

The pictures of this event will be posted within next week. It's still in Oom (Uncle) Art's camera... To access the pictures, please go to: http://photos.yahoo.com/kayericamora.

End log.

Of denied requests and long walks...

2006-09-06T06:21:00.000+08:00

Personal log – 6^th of September, 2006.

Hello everyone! How’s everything going on? No travel news as of the moment but I’m well, still in Cebu. Might travel again soon but I don’t know just yet.

After weeks of silence, I’m writing once more, but not on my usual positive self. I just came back from my school yesterday to have my request for “internship” submitted to the higher ups of the school. Gisteren, ik ben was teleurgesteld dat mijn “verzoek” was niet goedkeuring gegeven. Zij gezeggen te me dat Nederland is ver ver uit en niemand kan controleren (supervise) me. Ik kan begrijp dat zij kan niet goedkeuring gegeven. First of all, I still had a few subjects to take this “teaching internship”. But I specifically wrote in my letter that I would take all of them when I got back from the NL. I wasn’t planning on skipping on all of them. I’m not the type of student who expects to graduate without doing the work. Besides, if I did my teaching internship in NL, wouldn’t it be ridiculous to learn American Sign Language when the NL has Nederlands Gebaren Taal (NGT or Dutch Sign Language)!?!? Tweede, ik was de eerste student wie de “verzoek” maken. Ik kan begrijp dat zij zijn bang. Then one of the “higher ups” gave me this “I-told-you-so” look which even gemaakt ik heel boos! Is it so wrong to want to be different? Is it so wrong to dare not to be average?!?

So I decided to take a walk to Ramos which was a few hundred meters from the school just to cool off. I was going to help out in the SPED clinic yesterday, and I didn’t want to be angry around the kids, especially not these kinds of kids. Eventually after the walk, I got on a jeepney and I said to myself, “I will still try to observe special kids in NL, whether they like it or not!” They can’t make me average. I decided long ago to not to be average, and I am not going back! Many people die unfulfilled lives, because they remain average. I read that somewhere. I want to be successful. I am one of those in the minority of “once” average people who decided to do extraordinary things… or in my case, WILL DO extraordinary things… ;)

When I got to the SPED clinic, I was assigned to help teach this young Dyslexic/ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) boy. He was so hyper and very smart. He liked being praised for what he does, which I gladly did. He was doing well too, so I decided to treat him nicely that day despite my already simmering temper… It turned out after his one hour session that my anger had subsided and I felt rewarded to have helped him out that day. I mean, I wasn’t his “main” teacher, I was only assisting, but assisting him made me happy when I saw the happy smile on his face when I told him of his achievements for that day.

Funny, the professor who runs the clinic said that THAT boy didn’t like the idea of changing teachers abruptly and I was lucky he wasn’t being “pissy” and showing me his own temper at me that day. And I was glad that he was so well-behaved! For an ADHD kid, I was wondering if I was going to be running around the school after him! hehehe

For those who don’t understand it, please refer to my http://world.altavista.com to translate the Duch parts of this blog.

End log.

Mijn eerste poging in Nederlands

2006-08-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

Ik ben een Filippijnse maar ik ben aan het Nederlands taal leren. Een vriend vraagt mij waarom ben ik Nederlands leren. Hij zegt dat Nederlands taal was hele moeilijk taal. Ik zegt te hem: "Omdat denk ik dat Nederlands tall is een goed uitdaging. En ik hou van een uitdaging..."

Zo ik ben nu dit "blog" schrijven in Nederlands. Ik gerealiseert dat ik leer een taal stevig wanneer waag ik het schrijven. Ik hoopt dat dit Nederlands "blog" is ok.

Ok. Dat was mijn blog. ik gebruikt de woordenboek dat mijn Oom Erik geeft ik... Please bear with the grammar but please comment away! :) I'd really appreciate them...

Breaking free from one's cage...

2006-07-25T02:18:00.000+08:00

The several days have been an eye opener for me. I've been so busy that after lying low for a while of totally unpredictable busyness, everything is just hittingme in the head, one realization after next.

I attended a seminar last Sunday with a group of friends and cousins, and I was amazed at the insights I got from that event. It was truly an eye-opener and preparing for that day was just hectic. But it was worth everything. The speakers, Olive and Ernie, were just awesome! I mean they had a positive aura around them that will blow you
away! I realized that in life, one meets a lot of mentors... I can't thank my own direct mentor, cousin Romina, for letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The past couple of days of lying low has been times of contemplation for me with regards to what I've learned from that seminar. A few things that struck me the most were the following:

Do not pre-judge people. In retrospect, I think that I have fallen under this trap a lot of times. Although not all of them ended up bad, a few have been, causing me to think at times, wishing fervently, that I could turn back the hands of time to undo things and make sure I never met those people. But Olive was right, those who cause resistance and friction with you, are those that make you stronger...

I wouldn't say that I still don't feel really bad whenever I remember what they did, what she did. You see several months ago, maybe almost a year, I was involved in an incident that flushed out the truth in how people saw me... I think I've written a blog about this, I forgot what the title was...

For those who didn't know me, a couple of years back, my father died of a heart attack. Back then, I was in my first semester as a senior in the university. I was devastated by his death, and because of that I fell into a state of depression that nobody knew I was undergoing...

On the outside, I would still smile, I would still be myself more or less, but in the inside, I was crumbling like a stone statue... During those times, those people saw the worst of me, and because they were people I looked up to I confided in them... Silly, naive me...

For years, I thought of them as second parents, because at first, confiding in them felt natural. I didn't want to show my tears back at home because the pain of my father's death was still fresh in everyone's minds especially my youngest brother, Bog. I didn't want to cause anymore distress... Anyway, as the semester ended, my grades plummeted down... I cared less about education at that time... All I wanted
to have once more was my Dad. You should've seen me back then. I was the perfect example of the phrase, "Physically present, but mentally absent". I wanted to quit school because i didn't want to study anymore. As far as i was concerned, one of the persons whom I was studying hard for was already gone... Dad was the beacon of light for me... He loved everything I did. He was my greatest fan... Nobody could ask for more.. But back then i couldn't see that because I was blinded by my raging teenage hormones... I didn't want to be controlled by Dad because I was afraid that it might be considered "uncool"...

Back to the story, since those people saw me at my darkest times, I figured that they must've not thought much about me as their student. Eventually years later, I learned that SHE had told one of my bosses in my previous job that "I didn't know what I was doing, so take it easy on her". Sure I complained a lot. I complained a lot because I was under stress and I didn't have time to unwind anymore... I don't know if you'd understand but if you worked in an almost 24/7 shift and you'd spend your free time and day offs sleeping, you'd understand how wound up I was with all the stress i was having... Complaining would've been a logical outlet... That really hurt me a lot, and although I haven't seen a hair of her now, or have I talked to her, my temper still sizzle everytime I remember what she did.

That's the one thing, I'd never do to my students... I realized how emotionally damaging and disturbing an indirect and subtle comments like that could be to a person. I was depressed for months after that incident, and after that I started to be on guard with everyone I met, especially teachers... And while I was teaching, if I had comments about what I have observed on my students, I keep them to myself. I don't tell them to other teachers, unless it was something positive... I don't want them to undergo what I've undergone... Hadn't it been for the continuous emotional support I get from my Mom, I would've never gotten over that. Maybe that's the reason why I've come to appreciate "Dutch Directness" so much. Although the truth hurts and
it usually does, it isn't as painful as when it is said behind your back and most especially to someone else...

I've been asked if I will ever forgive her. "To err is human, to forgive is divine.", I've been quoted once. But then I don't feel divinity in me... Maybe in the future, but not now.. Not when the scar is still fresh and painful...

When dreaming, DREAM BIG and beware of the "dream stealers". I have one very big dream in life - TO RETIRE YOUNG (ON OR BEFORE I'M 35) AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE DOING THINGS I ALWAYS LOVE TO DO... A few of the smaller dreams attached to this bigger dream are 1.) to own and live in a big house situated right smack in the middle of a huge piece of (farm)land surrounded by a gazillion fruit trees, complete with the gadgets that I need to survive, with my family, 2.) to give/teach the Deaf the highest quality of education that they deserve, and 3.) do theater for the rest of my life...

Call me a really big dreamer, but then again, weren't we all big dreamers when we were younger? Haven't you ever dreamt of becoming something that you really really wanted to be? When I was around seven or six, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut. But I never became one because when I got older, I shrunk my dreams to what I was capable of. I shrunk my dream because of this mindset "I can never be an astronaut because the Philippines doesn't have a NASA. ANd since I'm not an American citizen, I'll never be on NASA's space programs..." Then as I grew older I wanted to become a theater actor.. But at the last minute, I enrolled into the Computer Science course because I was too chicken to face the very thing that I loved, because there was no money in theater...

The same goes with my brother, Rian. He told me and my mom that he definitely wants to become a pilot. Should I tell him "NO, FIND ANOTHER KIND OF DEGREE BECAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT." Instead, after a talk with him while we went jogging one time, I told him, "Go pursue that piloting course you always want after you finish high school. We've got you covered for that. Just promise me and Mommy one thing if we do give you that dream... Study hard and never quit on it, even if it gets really hard..."

I've been contemplating on the difference between a realist and a pessimist. In my opinion, a realist would think that something may or may not be achieveable because of given facts, but will try his best to get the result that he wants. He will try to make it into a reality. The pessimist, on the other hand, will see the facts and say "it's too difficult" and with that he gives up and that's the end of it...

Just like my own two hondjes (puppies), Mocha and Nacht, I have broken free from my own cage. I placed these two lovable dogs in cages because I was so afraid that the other dogs would treat them right... That they would get hurt and I wouldn't be there to protect them. But protecting them is not the only thing I do in this world. They are not the only ones I care about. I can't coddle them to safety, not especially since I'll be leaving for the Netherlands soon... So I let them go... They got into a few fights with other fellow puppies, they were a bit shocked by the vastness of the space they had now... They were no longer cramped in a small area... They got a chance to explore... I think they got a chance to grow... Tonight, when I played with them, they seemed happier than when they were in the cage... And I know they will grow up to be big and strong girls, who will not only defend themselves and their future pups, but also my own family... ;)

After whats happened to my life, I've become jaded, negative.. I've fallen into a void. But recently I've also learned that not all people are negative like the ones I mentioned above. There are people like Olive and Ernie, and my cousin Romina too, who have an aura bursting with positive energy... I realized I should find more people like them, because it is through people like them that will make my dreams come true. Being negative will never get you to what you want to be in your life. So much more being around dream-stealing and extremely pessimistic people. They will just pull you down... They will show you that you can't get what you want because they didn't. Who are they to tell you that?!? Who are they to steal your dream away?!? Always remember: THEY ARE NOT YOU!!! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRULY CAPABLE OF...

I'm leaving for the Netherlands soon, maybe my trip there would help my dreams come true, maybe not. But
one thing is for sure: I won't stop until I get my dream and get it right!!! My dream is strong enough to survive the hardship and the delay. Ten years maybe too long for many, but for me, I will endure those ten long agonizing years rather than spend the rest of my life as a miserable old biatch with nothing and a broken dream... I will never listen to people who think that they mean well for you but actually they don't, because in reality they are jealous that you are still able to dream and you are working hard for it... They do this because if you do get to fulfill that dream of yours, you'll make them feel even more miserable...

So listen to your dream... Listen to your heart's desire... BREAK FREE!!!

My Ringside Analysis of Life

2006-07-08T03:22:00.000+08:00

Personal log - 8th of July, 2006 (very early morning)

It's been five days since "MANO A MANO" or what's commonly known as the Pacquiao-Larios boxing fight. I mean, I'm no boxing afficionado, but hey, what could I lose, right? Anyway, it's also been days since the BP that I attended. Since then, both events have given me things to think about.

It may not be the best opinion of all, but I want to share my thoughts. I realized that life is like a boxing match. Life is like that fight between Larios (Chololo) and Pacquiao (Pacman). Why do I say that? Here are some points I've noticed:

1st and 2nd rounds. In the first two rounds of the fight, as Chololo and Pacman were throwing punches at each other, I noticed that both fighters were sizing each other up. No one really threw any major punches at anybody. I thought to myself, we are like that sometimes. In life, as we go through new things, we tend to test our waters. We try to size this new thing in our life up, see if we can handle it. Sure, life tends to throw us some easy punches here and there and we retaliate by facing up to those challenges. No biggie. We survive. And then, sometimes in the back of our minds, we tend to think, "This is no challenge. Bring it on!"
3rd round. In the third round, Chololo almost knocked Pacman down, when he gave a flurry of punches at the latter fighter when his guard was down. Pacman became a bit dizzy and maybe he was caught by surprise there. For a moment there, he stood by the ropes, as Chololo continued to barrage him with punches. There are times in life when we become too lax, too complacent. Sometimes we don't notice that after we've challenged life to "bring it on", we tend to relax thinking that life will continue to give us easy undertakings. But most of the time we are dead wrong. We are caught off-guard and we become confused and "dizzy". We sometimes tend to just stand still, and let life continue to give us its punches. But I'd rather, we decide to shake off that confusion and start dodging those hits. Like Pacman, we should decide to not let life control our game, but instead, let us control our life...
4th to 6th rounds. In this round, Chololo and Pacman exchange a punch after punch, the level and intensity of each punch increase more and more as each moment passes by. Sometimes, Chololo gives Pacman a good right hook. Pacman, on the other hand, returns the favor to the Mexican boxer. Eventually, if we decide to take on life and it's challenges we realize that the fight is not going to be easy anymore. We realize that life is really going to "bring it on" and is going to take it to the next level each time. Faster, stronger. That's how the fight felt. And that's how life feels sometimes. But we move on. We sidestep and dodge the blow if we can. Sometimes, we meet it head on. For as long as we continue to fight and not give up. It was also noticeable in these rounds that the Mexican boxer's face was starting to swell and get bruised badly. It bled. At times we end up becoming Chololo's. But we have to remember that he didn't stop fighting Pacman when his face started to bleed. NO. Instead, he continued to fight, despite the pain of each blow to his face. Despite the fact that his eyes blurred and burn as the blood from his wound dripped and ran to his face.
7th round. During this time, Chololo's face was becoming worse and worse. He was becoming tired. He was starting to slow down. He was deviating from their gameplan. Manny, on the other hand, calmly gave his opponent a punch or two here and there. Eventually, when he saw that the Mexican boxer's guard suddenly stooped, he took it as an opportunity to give the latter fighter his first knockdown. There are times where in we get so frustrated with what's going on with our lives that we deviate from our "gameplan". We end up throwing reckless and, most of the time, pointless punches here and there. Sometimes we are so focused on getting even with that person or with what's happening to us, that in some point, we let our guard down. This gives life to find other opportunities to throw at us to try and bring us down. Yes, sometimes we indeed fall to our knees. But like Chololo, we must stand up again, to face the next round.
8th to 12th rounds. In this round, Chololo staggers as he tries to keep up with Pacman. In this time, I think he has his 3rd facial bruise and it's way horrible than the other two he had in the earlier rounds. But Pacman is still in good shape. Also, the crowd calls out Pacman's name, not his. Sometimes in life, we hear people cheering us on in times of trials. Sometimes we feel so alone. Yet despite that, we should remain focused in what our goal is. If you feel someone cheers you on, use that positive reinforcement to boost you up to face life's harder challenges. But if you feel that you are alone, don't let that discourage you. Life didn't throw those punches in order to have people cheer you on. Life threw them to make you stronger, to make you ready for the coming punches. I've read a quote somewhere and it said, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." You may be given yet another knockdown, but don't let that stop you. Take a rest. Assess your gameplan. Assess your strategies. Then get back up. Never EVER give up! Unlike boxing, life has unlimited rounds, and it has unlimited challenges. Face up to those challenges. Go through all the rounds. One day, you will be victorious. However, if you quit, you become nothing... Not even to yourself...

The best thing about the fight that I've learned that whatever life brings us, whether it puts us up or down, we should always remember to stay humble. Humility keeps our feet firmly planted to the ground. Humility helps maintain a positive and healthy relationship with the people around us... Humility is our "pogi points" in this life, especially when we are successful.

Sometimes we are like Chololo, and sometimes we are like Pacman. It's not important if we win or lose. The important thing is that when we win, we win gracefully and with humility. If we lose, we stay humble, yet we learn from our mistakes, then move on...

Whoever thought boxing was just for entertainment? I respect both fighters for their strength and endurance during the match. Surely, I did learn something from that match, and hopefully so did you.

End log.

Nips vs. M&Ms

2006-06-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

I went to Robinsons supermarket today with Ate, when we saw M&Ms and Nips in one aisle... They had a sale on M&Ms: from Php27.50+ down to Php26. Ate was so psyched by the sale, but my eyes turned to the Nips bags... At Php6.90, I looked at the kind with rice crispies, plain one, and the one with peanuts... My eyes wandered back to the M&Ms... They had the same kinds too. Only theirs were much more expensive, much more sweet, et al...

Nips is just like M&Ms, but I love it! It isn't as grand as the latter, but I love it... All three kinds of it! Even a foreign friend of mine likes it too! So as I continued to contemplate on which to buy: price, taste, etc... My hands naturally reached for Nips with peanuts...

*song plays* You wanna see what happens in a bag of Nips...? What goes on when it touches my lips... It makes a rainbow! Nips, Nips. A choco rainbow. Chocolate Nips...

Proudly Pinoy made. Ik hou van het. :)

Personal Log, Week One - Location: Rizal, Philippines

2006-05-14T15:36:00.000+08:00

Ik ben allen... Ja, ben ik allen...

I live now in Baras, Rizal. I will live here for three weeks. I am doing good. I'm alone for the first time in my life and I am doing good. I'm with people I have met and been with for only a few days. Some of them are fun, some of them aren't. We are actually all different people, with different upbringings but we are all getting along just fine.

I am learning and doing a lot of things here that is very much NEW to me. I live in a place wherein technology is pre-warp. (Trekkies and via-astrians, you know this.. hehe) Ja, there is a computer here but there are 16-18 of us who use it so there isn't much chance for it. Secondly, the internet here is slow and if I go to an "internet cafe", it's a bit far and a bit nakakatamad.

I miss so many things that I've usually taken for granted. For one, I terribly miss my mother. Vandaag is moederdag. Yep, it's mother's day and I'm not home to greet my mother that. But I'm here. This was a choice. I have to live by this choice. Eventually, volgend jaar (next year), I won't still be able be able to greet her personally. Ik hou van je, Mama. (I love you, Mom.)

Then there's my silent but sometimes very makulit sister. I miss her a lot. I miss her nagging me into start acting my age. Or nagging me to behave... And I miss her pancakes for snacks... I miss her popcorn... I miss fooling around with her... Ik hou van je, sis. (I love you sis.)

Then there are the boys. Myn vier broers... I miss their nutty brothers... Zij zijn gek! I want to come back home to all that noise and craziness and just be there! Ik hou van jullie. (I love you guys!)

For example, my obsolete but very well-loved computer. I miss it! I miss my MP3 player! I feel like I'm about to go nuts without it... *sigh* I miss my nutty but very cool MP3s... Oh and I miss my DVD player! Oh i miss having Charmed Marathons with the boys...

MOST OF ALL, I miss DANGGIT!!!! How could I ever take this food for granted! I miss it so much that my mouth is already watering at the thought of it...

Three more weeks and I'm free... I'm home free, back in Cebuano soil and I'm cool! Cebu, three more weeks and I'm home... :)

Spidey and the Trisikad

2006-04-17T02:20:00.000+08:00

Bantayan Island...

The Trisikad driver and his trisikad...

It's been several days since the Bantayan Island trip with the Beeyatches, but still I couldn't quite fathom one thing about "Spidey"... Why in the world did he, the trisikad driver, leave it behind and jumped on top of the motorela (and I mean literally) and go with us to Poblacion Bantayan?

Okay, for those who don't know, a trisikad is a bicycle with a one-wheel sidecar. It's quite common in rural areas and it seemed pretty common in Bantayan Island, that's for sure. But if my definition is wrong, well, sorry! I'm not Webster!

Going back, I have been looking back to that time and my mind still keeps on wondering what went through Spidey's mind when he decided to join us and leave just everything behind, even his livelihood (the trisikad)... Back then, we were wondering if it was some kind of eccentric Bantayan culture towards tourists that the locals would go out of their way to be very hospitable. But then it was JUST TOO HOSPITABLE. Maybe it was just me... Maybe it was just us... I don't know...

Anyway, I won't even try to dig deeper into it anymore and I won't even dare. Too sleepy to do that. But one thing does bug me until now though... DID SPIDEY EVER GET HIS TRISIKAD BACK?

-fin

(2006.04.16 - 01:57 AM)

Board shorts and Bantayan

2006-04-02T22:09:00.000+08:00

"Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's doors..."

Hmmm. The past couple of days was BUM HEAVEN for me! I was in PARADISE! Talk about practically getting whisked away in an island paradise with nothing but a pair of board shorts, a swim suit, some clothes and a bunch of your friends?!? I can't tell you how indescribable the feeling was to lie on a lounge chair by the shore, and feel the sea breeze lull you to sleep...

But of course, I wasn't able to sleep... There were too many things on my mind! One of which was the memory of having fun on the pristine white sand beach of the VIRGIN ISLAND... Its serene beauty untouched by commercialization and development and is situated right smack in the middle of nowhere... Natural white sand, had it been edible, I would have eaten it already!

But enough talk... I have to organize my mind... Need to sleep... Sleep more I mean... hehe The travel was back to civilization was hell, literally, but going there and getting back from Bantayan in my board shorts was worth the trip any day in my book! And I still have to thank a few people to thank for taking me on that FUNTASTIC trip!

(2006.04.02 - 09:45 PM)

Dead dog walkin'

2006-04-02T22:08:00.000+08:00

Just this afternoon, Puppy sent me an SMS message telling me how much he wants us to be together at that moment... I replied, telling him that he wasn't the only one feeling that way...

He told me that there might be three things that I might go for, especially since I'm not with him: A COLD SHOWER, CO-WORKERS, or CUTE STUDENTS... He then added the phrase "Dead dog walking..." I know what that means, and it hurt a lot reading those words from him... Why did he say those things? Was he testing me? I am now depressed that he wouldn't reply... For the first time in my life, I'm scared about being in a relationship... This relationship with the Puppy...

(03.30.2006 - sometime around 4-5 PM)

My Fresh Start: DAY 1

2006-03-30T00:08:00.000+08:00

Summer has finally come now and I am out for a fresh new start for 2006. Well, for most people, a fresh new start would start at the beginning of the year. For me, that would be a big NO.

Tonight, I attended a PREVIEW and there were a lot of inspirational talks there. Talks about making it big. In fact, I've been attending it and meeting people within it for about a month or so now. And it is only now that I realize that my true calling in life is to follow this equation:

EAT + SLEEP + WORK A LITTLE + SLEEP + EAT MORE = HAPPY LIFE

In other words, I want to be a BUM. Yes, I realized that by the time I'm in my thirties, I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to work for someone who doesn't give a rat's ass about me. Although I do have a good employer now, and I work with really good people, but in the end, all those things might go away... All those things my be short-lived... And I don't want to be stuck in the middle of that, and end up hating what I do...

The thing is POSITIVE THINKING. I've always been a pessimist. Maybe that's because of the many things in life, in my life to be exact, that hasn't gone the way I wanted it to be. For years, I've been trying to deny this, but in the end, it just hit me right smack in the face. I AM NEGATIVE. The reason why not so many good things has happened into my life...

Yes, I complain. In fact, I complain a lot. But I still do the thing that makes me complain. As they say you can't bite the hand that feeds you... That's what has gotten me in trouble in the first place. Not all people understand people who complain and still do their jobs right... They think that you don't like your job... THAT'S NOT TRUE!

Can they actually say that you hate your job, when for example, you don't want to get up from your bed on a cold, rainy day? Of course not. You don't hate your job, but you just want to sleep a bit more right? Those are not the same things...

Thing is, this fresh start has given me options. Positive options to be able to most, if not all of the things, I want to do in my life. I want to be a bum when I'm thirty. By that time, I might have finished my doctorate degree in Special Ed, but then I still want to be a bum... I might have a school for the Deaf, but I'm not actually charging them anything for their education now, right? Wouldn't that be great?!?

That I might be self-employed, but I can go to MY school anytime without even thinking that I might lose it because I'm not there! *Chuckles* I am amused by what I am thinking now... Before I always thought, that being a workaholic was to be the key in order for me to be at the peak of my life and my lifestyle... I guess I was wrong... It may or may not be the case... I can be a DOCTOR IN HOW TO GET A BUM LIFESTYLE... ^_^

We'll have to see. But I'm very positive about it! This marks the day of my true DAY 1 in this new exodus to my being BUM on my 30th birthday... BUMNESS, HERE I COME!!!

-Fin
(03.30.2006 12:08 AM)

We wear a mask...

2006-01-01T16:22:00.000+08:00

(taken from a poem I read from a book I had long ago)

(I just thought I'd share it with you)

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us,
while We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

Sensei... Nan desu ka?

2006-01-01T15:32:00.000+08:00

All my life I've always wondered what it was like to be a teacher. Maybe, when I was younger, I might have never thought of myself as a teacher, however, it was more of a fascination rather than a liking.

I’ve read, heard and learned that “teaching” is the noblest and most important profession the world has ever known. Without the teachers, there wouldn't be doctors, engineers, programmers, politicians, et al. Imagine, teachers have the power to make or break someone in the palm of your hands… The power to mold someone to make him ready to face life, or to make him destroy it...

Okay, so I may sound preachy. But that's how I feel...

(02.05.2005 -- fin)

When someone else sells your soul...

2006-01-01T15:26:00.000+08:00

Several months ago, I made a post which I never got to post because I never got to finish it... Back then I was very upset of something that had happened to me... Up until now I still hurt whenever I am reminded of that incident... I am scarred, and I don't know if it will ever heal...

Although it is still unfinished, I am going to post it... For there is nothing left to say... What's done is done, and there is nothing that can turn back time and make it right... I'm posting this though because WRITING is one creative outlet that ALWAYS soothes my troubled soul...

***

All my life, my trust for people had been genuine and was strong as my loyalty for them. This has always been the case. My loyalty and friendship as well as my trust towards a person never wans until that person has done something otherwise... Some say its my strong point. Unfortunately for me, it's my weakness. I had to learn that the hard way...

Recently, I have succumb to a deep and recurring depression. Why? Because of the betrayal and treachery done by the people whom I have entrusted a part of myself to. People whom I had looked up to but now only looks more like the pharisees if you ask me.

These past couple of weeks had been an epiphany as to where I stand as a person and what I am to those certain people in my life... I know that my ways are unorthodox, that there are times that following the norms and rules are too much. It's like raging against a strong current. There are a few like me, who refuse to conform to the norms of what we do. To us, achieving excellence is demanding and doing some things that can't be done by conforming to norms... None-the-less, the damage has been done and I'm worth nothing now... They sold my soul to the devil without me even realizing it...

What hurts me the most is the fact that to one of them, I am someone that "people should take easily because I am not good at anything I do..." I looked up to this person so much! Her advise were so invaluable to me that there were times, I couldn't live without them... Now, it seems that everything was just a ruse to earn my friggin' trust! They USED me!

(04.09.2005 -- still unfinished)

Mainichi, kaisha de zangyoshimasu...

2006-01-01T15:19:00.000+08:00

Note: This is an old post from my other blog. I thought I'd put it in here since it is a view on my life after all...

***

It's almost been two years, one year and six months and eight days to be exact, since I got employed. And all this time, I have been working day in and day out. Mainichi kaisha de zangyoshimasu. At first, I found the experience quite exciting. Working is the lifeblood of everything I do. Call me a certified Workaholic. I love working. It was all about the experience, the friends, and the good pay and all the other things that went with it that drove me to work more. But all that has died. There's this saying that "too much of everything is bad for you". I guess that saying is right. Subtly, and slowly, I had come to realize that I had given up a whole lot of things with this work. No, not given up but sacrificed. Yes. I have sacrificed more that I think of. My family, my dream and basically my life in general. I guess you can't work with something so hard and not neglect the other aspects in your life now can you?

My dreams, like any ordinary person, are simple. I want to be with my family always. In contrary to my ideals during the "rebellious years" of my life, I find the company of my family as a reassurance and as a comfort. It is with them, being with them that I feel that I am alive... But how do I feel such when even if I am so near, I am so very far away from them. I get home when the boys and my sister are asleep, and either they get up and leave for school before me and I am asleep or vice versa. When I do get the chance to see them, I feel alienated because I am so OUT OF SYNC with the latest news. Sometimes I see them so happy with each other's company but I just don't know to approach them anymore. It's as though they have created a whole new happy little world of their own, inviting me to join them, yet prevented by the demands of my work. God! Sometimes I feel it would have been understandable if I felt like that if I had been working overseas for a couple of years. But I'm not working overseas. I'm only working a city away from my own hometown. It's a forty-five minute drive to work, if the traffic is forgiving...

Another dream of mine is to work with theater and writing. One dream that seems to be so out of my grasp. I've got all of these stories in my head but I can hardly get them out because I can't get myself to just sit down and write. Just plain crazy ideas that I just can't get out of my head. I also have all of this "theatrical energy", yet I can't be with a theater group, just be on stage and play a character or two. If this goes on, I think I might just go nuts!

Currently, I've been able to start working on a revision to a story I wrote almost a year ago. This time I'm determined to finish it by the end of the year. And no "mainichi zangyoshimasu" will stop me from doing so... With the recent breakup with my boyfriend, I've been down a lot. I guess everyone does. But I've decided to use this "senti mood" or "sentimental mood" to my advantage. I've made some progress. It's not much, but I've made some... And I hope slowly but surely, this will be done...

Dame da yo! I'm ranting again. I need to get back to work and get my ass home before I get locked out of the house again... Back to work! Back to work! Back to work!( 2004.6.3 Thu 11:49 pm)

I Am Alone

2005-06-26T20:48:00.000+08:00

A couple of days ago, a call came to us informing us of my Lola (Grandma) Viving's demise. The news came as a shock to me because I had always thought that she, like my own grandmother, were "fighters" and would live beyond what is expected of their years...

My grandmother, Mending, is now 85 years old. Viving was 90, give or take a year. Lola Viving and my grandmother were like the best of buddies. I remember my own mother telling me that these women are the classic examples of what we call "Golden Girls".

Due to my grandmother's old age, my mother decided to break the news as gently to her as possible. Just like the way they broke the news to her when my father died almost four years ago. When she did tell her, my grandmother simply exclaimed, "Hala!" But she neither cried or did anything else. She just sat there silently with us. For what seemed like an eternity, we wondered what was going on in her head at that time.

It was only a few moments later that she spoke again in that soft voice of hers. "I'm next... I feel so alone... I am alone..." At first we didn't understand what she meant by that, and we were terrified, so we reassured her and told her that we were there.

It wasn't a day later, when my mom and I talked, that I finally understood what my grandmother meant. When she said "I am alone", she meant that she was the now the "last" person from her generation. Her brothers and parents had passed away before and Lola Viving was her only companion. They were both widows and with that she was someone that Lola Mending shared her old age with. They were the best of friends, and they were like two peas from a pod. I always thought that they had made some kind of pact. A pact wherein the two of them would be journeying the rest of their lives, hoping to find rest together.

I also pondered on my relationship with my own siblings. Will we all grow old and live to see each other's children and grandchildren together? Will we be ever like Viving and Mending? How about my mother? When she grows old, will she feel the same if her siblings passed on too?

Right now, Lola Mending spends her time these days sleeping and in silent contemplation and prayer, unlike a couple of months before when she'd keep herself busy during the day baking or cooking something. It's sad to see someone you love in that situation. I would admit that losing my father was painful. But losing the last person, that was dear and precious to you like she did, was even more painful.

I couldn't begin to fathom the depth of my grandmother's pain. It pains me to see her like this. But, I hope and pray that despite of her loss, she would stand up once more and become her old silent yet happy self. After all, we, her children and grandchildren, are still here. We are here and we still love her that much.

~ Fin ~

( 2005.06.26 -- 1:38 PM)