Who are we kidding?

As I finished preparing my lunch for tomorrow, the song "Anak" by Filipino singer Freddie Aguilar, suddenly plays on my DVD player.  Right there and then, my eyes wandered towards the photo collage I have made in my room...  Photos of mostly family and of friends who are dear to my heart...  Unconsciously, I burst into tears and collapse into the stool closest to me...  

It's been months since I last went home to the PH.  Three and a half weeks of just the family, friends and more family...  Now, it's back to hearing news from home and that's it.  You only get emails and digital photos sent to you... I am so thankful that I live in this era where the internet is something normal and what everyone has...  I am so glad that we don't necessarily have to write long letters and wait for weeks before they arrive home and weeks before we get a reply back...  I am so thankful that there is an option to calling home that isn't so expensive: Skype or any other cheap mobile prepaid that allows you to call the Philippines whenever and wherever you want...  And yet, here I am still struck with a sudden nauseating wave of heimvee (homesickness).

Earlier on, when my eyes wandered and lingered on the family photos that I have on my collage, I am totally drawn into the whole spectrum of memories and even more tears run down the sides of my face.  It must be true, what they say about once you've been home after being gone for so long, it's so hard to let go of the ones you leave behind again...

I've been listening to a lot of songs from home recently and although, some of you might say that I am baduy (old-fashioned [EN] or ouderwets [NL]), I don't really care anymore...  My mom always branded me a crybaby despite my seemingly "tough and nerdy exterior"...  For some reason, I tend to keep a brave face despite everything that is happening: the ghost of a memory of the death of a parent, the pressure of being the oldest child and grandchild, expectations of people around me, keeping strong and working hard despite the lingering fear of every migrant worker here in NL due to the recession...  And yet here I am, I wake up everyday, and look myself in the mirror everyday and reminding myself of who I am and what I need to do...  As a finishing touch, I put on that brave and smiling face just before I step out of the house...  Yet, underneath that mask, there is this uncertain little girl who misses the calming voice of her mother and the soothing words that come with it...  Underneath it is the scared little girl who is threatening to break under pressure...

Truth be told, I could just have been happy with my life in Cebu.  I could have continued teaching or probably went back into IT to work as a Software Developer.  I could have been with the family and friends that I have known in the first twenty-four years of my life, doing what I've always known and understood...  

But there is just a time in your life when you say, "I've had it!  I've had enough of this!  I don't want this anymore!  I want something new!"  When that happens and you say it to yourself, you unconsciously don't see the wind carrying that request for a change of pace and a change of lifestyle drifts and someone hears it.  Someone or something hears it and opens a door or even a window of opportunity for you...

Of course, that sense of adventure and the need to explore and see "new worlds" (I know, I know, I sound like a Star Trek ad) drives you to put one step in front of the other.  You eventually end up taking a step into that door and you are amazed and drawn in by what you see and feel.  True, the idea of living abroad, when you look at it through the eyes of someone who has never been there, is very tempting and it feels like you're in heaven...  It is surreal...

Yet once you start living it, the realization, that it is as real as your previous life only with trade offs that you didn't expect, hits you hard.  You realize that when you come home, you are coming home into a very quiet apartment and nobody's in the living room trying to make homework while listening to some insanely ridiculous songs...  When you grab the TV remote control, you realize that there is no one to fight with when it comes to which TV show or movie to watch that evening...  When you go to the kitchen, you don't see a sibling eating leftovers from dinner as a midnight snack...  There are so many things you realize that were once normal things for you, are now the very things you look forward to doing when you decide to get on that plane again for home...  There and then, you realize that the only thing that keeps you going on is the fact that the moment you hear their happy voices on the phone or when you read there novel-like emails, you are once again closer to home and yet still too far away to touch them and wrap your arms around them...

When I told my Mom that I wanted to find a job here in the Netherlands because I liked the country and the weather was good for me health-wise, I also had other reasons.  I wanted to learn to be independent.  I wanted to be free.  I wanted to finally be considered a "grown-up" in the eyes of family...  Despite being the oldest child in the family and being in my mid-20's, if you live with your family, you still feel the grip of your parents on you.  That you are still that little girl that they used to lead by the hand.

The first few steps by ourselves is a feat of triumph, which we are so proud of that we push ourselves to take more steps forward.  Unfortunately, there are times that we fall and we sometimes do fall really hard.  When we look around we only see them (our family, our parents) so far away.  We cry and just stay that way for a bit.  We cry some more to call out to them to help us up...  To take us once again by the hand until we can be steady on our feet again.  However, they're too far away this time.  They can only cheer us on.  They can only encourage us to wipe the tears from our eyes and plant our palms firmly on the ground and push ourselves off the ground.  They can, in fact, do only so much...  So you are like an (emotional) cripple trying to teach yourself to move and stand and walk once again...  No one else is there...  No one else but you...  Yet you need to get up and move because if you don't, you end up wallowing in bitterness and pain...

We realize that this wasn't something that we wanted.  We wanted the financial security, yet we also wanted to keep that emotional security that we had for years...

Who are we kidding?  Nobody gets everything they want in life.  Like me, many Filipino OFW's (Overseas Filipino Workers) leave their families and homes to search for adventure and/or greener pastures...   

I am lucky, in a sense, that I am single when I left home.  But then again, I come from a huge family and all of a sudden, I'm in this country all alone...  You don't hear the boys arguing on who is going to do the dishes...  You don't hear your sister and your brother arguing who gets to watch what on TV...  You don't get to run around the house anymore as you are being chased by your Mom out on a "Tickling spree"! 

Probably, I'm starting to realize what really matters the most: the family I left behind back home...  Who are we kidding?  Life doesn't hand out all the good options on a silver platter for you to just take...  Maybe.  Just maybe.  This once tough cookie has gone soft...