In my cocoon, waiting…
Personal log – 12th of August, 2007.
It’s been almost two weeks since my Mom left to go back to the Philippines. Her visit has given me renewed strength… A joy inside that despite my distance away from her, away from my family, I know that they are there… For me. A daughter and a sister.
But a lot has happened before she came that has left me quite uncertain about myself… That has depleted my strength of will and has yet again made my confidence in myself waver… These things, I had no strength to tell her while she was still back home. Things that I was too scared to let her know how about because I know how much she worries about me… Things that I tried so hard to hide from her, but in the end couldn’t hide it from her as well… It breaks my heart to see her upset or sad or helpless when she can’t help me… And now, with SMSes and emails, I can feel her helplessness course through me as though I could see it as she feels it…
In this dire hour, I felt that I am alone once more. Alone in a sense because everyone I love can only look from a distance as I, like them, await my fate. When my Mom boarded her plane, I felt like a newly renovated structure, with the cement on the foundations still fresh, with its scaffolding and supports taken out prematurely. If things like these happened to me back home, I would have my Mom nursing me back to emotional good health, even if it meant kicking my butt to wake up and do something about my situation… But she can’t do that now because her time here was short… She had to go back home… But not now… I have to stand on my own two feet, on my own… And like that building, let’s hope it doesn’t crumble and break and collapse…
Despite having family and friends here, I am still a foreigner in this country. I am a nobody and I can’t do anything to help myself… I can only wait… It’s like your hands are tied and you are on a raft that you can’t even steer.
And although I’ve temporarily lost my footing financially, I’ve been given some sort of hope… Like my Mom said, maybe these trials were given to me because maybe I’ve forgotten and gone cold in my faith again… That apart from growing stronger from them, it is supposed to draw me closer to Him. Maybe that’s the reason… Maybe not. I’ve been recently renewed to the faith, so I’m afraid I still can’t be someone who’s an expert in it. But I do know that you have to do something, and let Him do the rest… Or something like that…
I’ve lost this round. I thought by changing my tactics, by coming here I could clean my slate and be on my way to a very merry life till the end of my days. But that wasn’t the plan for me. But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up just yet. I’m still sitting at the poker table. I’m waiting for fate to deal me my cards again.. and with that, I’m still waiting… Waiting for what lies ahead for me here… Like a caterpillar that has gone into it’s cocoon, I can turn out to be a butterfly or I can be an ugly moth…
End log.
It’s been almost two weeks since my Mom left to go back to the Philippines. Her visit has given me renewed strength… A joy inside that despite my distance away from her, away from my family, I know that they are there… For me. A daughter and a sister.
But a lot has happened before she came that has left me quite uncertain about myself… That has depleted my strength of will and has yet again made my confidence in myself waver… These things, I had no strength to tell her while she was still back home. Things that I was too scared to let her know how about because I know how much she worries about me… Things that I tried so hard to hide from her, but in the end couldn’t hide it from her as well… It breaks my heart to see her upset or sad or helpless when she can’t help me… And now, with SMSes and emails, I can feel her helplessness course through me as though I could see it as she feels it…
In this dire hour, I felt that I am alone once more. Alone in a sense because everyone I love can only look from a distance as I, like them, await my fate. When my Mom boarded her plane, I felt like a newly renovated structure, with the cement on the foundations still fresh, with its scaffolding and supports taken out prematurely. If things like these happened to me back home, I would have my Mom nursing me back to emotional good health, even if it meant kicking my butt to wake up and do something about my situation… But she can’t do that now because her time here was short… She had to go back home… But not now… I have to stand on my own two feet, on my own… And like that building, let’s hope it doesn’t crumble and break and collapse…
Despite having family and friends here, I am still a foreigner in this country. I am a nobody and I can’t do anything to help myself… I can only wait… It’s like your hands are tied and you are on a raft that you can’t even steer.
And although I’ve temporarily lost my footing financially, I’ve been given some sort of hope… Like my Mom said, maybe these trials were given to me because maybe I’ve forgotten and gone cold in my faith again… That apart from growing stronger from them, it is supposed to draw me closer to Him. Maybe that’s the reason… Maybe not. I’ve been recently renewed to the faith, so I’m afraid I still can’t be someone who’s an expert in it. But I do know that you have to do something, and let Him do the rest… Or something like that…
I’ve lost this round. I thought by changing my tactics, by coming here I could clean my slate and be on my way to a very merry life till the end of my days. But that wasn’t the plan for me. But that doesn’t mean I’ve given up just yet. I’m still sitting at the poker table. I’m waiting for fate to deal me my cards again.. and with that, I’m still waiting… Waiting for what lies ahead for me here… Like a caterpillar that has gone into it’s cocoon, I can turn out to be a butterfly or I can be an ugly moth…
End log.
posted by Kagi at 1:32:00 AM
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