Tuesday, February 13, 2007

This mirror indeed has two faces...

Personal log - 11th of February, 2007.

The pail is full and has overflowed. I am once again in a depressive state of mind. My emotions are tied in knots. I have sorted some out already and I have come to a conclusion that maybe, I am just not meant for relationships. Bah. Relationships.

This is according to Webster:
Main Entry: re·la·tion·ship
Pronunciation: -sh&n-"ship
Function: noun
1 : the state of being related or interrelated
2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : KINSHIP b : a specific instance or type of kinship3
a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b : a romantic or passionate attachment

A romantic or passionate attachment. Bah. Romance and the kind of passion that is strung with it makes you weak. It all starts with attachment and slowly your emotions are so tied up with the object of your affection. And when everything goes chaotic and doesn't turn the way you at least hope it would be, you are tied in knots and you are left confused. You try to do everything you can, yet always something goes wrong. Nothing can ever be right...

I'm tired of doing that. But where can you find such a relationship wherein you don't have to necessarily have to pour out all of your emotions into it? Where in you aren't that much attached? In relationships, there is no such thing as a gray area. It has to be black or white. I've come to chose black. I give up on love. I don't usually just quit, but in this case, I do.

However, my work doesn't allow me to be depressed. I don't have the luxury of doing that. In the confines of my room, I can but when I go out my door, I have to put on another mask. A very fragile mask of being so tough and passive and all professional. As though nothing can get past me. As though I'm not affected at all. But when I go back to my room at night, the mask breaks and another face - the more truthful face, comes into view. The face of a crying and pathetic woman I had turned out to be. All because of this thing -- LOVE... This seems to be such a small word but it's effects can be mind numbing and can bring you down to your knees in tears...

I don't know for how long I have to wear these two faces, but one thing is for sure. I am raising my white flag because I give up and I stand by that decision... In a few days is Valentine's day, yet I don't feel so upto it. I can't take it anymore... Love and all it's so-called sugary sweetness is for woosies... I guess, I am destined... NO! I was born to be alone after all...

End log.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think debruary is getting you down.. =) spring should be around the corner, hope blooms like flowers in springtime.. take care


2:35 PM  
Anonymous Iris said...

How I have always seen love: "I've been in love before. It's like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love. So we should love only those who can stay near us." Be thankful your not as bad as I am. You know the stuff I've gone through and the stupid things I've done for love. I still admire how strong you are.

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Leda said...

Good words.

11:36 PM  

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