Breaking free from one's cage...
The several days have been an eye opener for me. I've been so busy that after lying low for a while of totally unpredictable busyness, everything is just hittingme in the head, one realization after next.
I attended a seminar last Sunday with a group of friends and cousins, and I was amazed at the insights I got from that event. It was truly an eye-opener and preparing for that day was just hectic. But it was worth everything. The speakers, Olive and Ernie, were just awesome! I mean they had a positive aura around them that will blow you
away! I realized that in life, one meets a lot of mentors... I can't thank my own direct mentor, cousin Romina, for letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The past couple of days of lying low has been times of contemplation for me with regards to what I've learned from that seminar. A few things that struck me the most were the following:
For those who didn't know me, a couple of years back, my father died of a heart attack. Back then, I was in my first semester as a senior in the university. I was devastated by his death, and because of that I fell into a state of depression that nobody knew I was undergoing...
On the outside, I would still smile, I would still be myself more or less, but in the inside, I was crumbling like a stone statue... During those times, those people saw the worst of me, and because they were people I looked up to I confided in them... Silly, naive me...
For years, I thought of them as second parents, because at first, confiding in them felt natural. I didn't want to show my tears back at home because the pain of my father's death was still fresh in everyone's minds especially my youngest brother, Bog. I didn't want to cause anymore distress... Anyway, as the semester ended, my grades plummeted down... I cared less about education at that time... All I wanted
to have once more was my Dad. You should've seen me back then. I was the perfect example of the phrase, "Physically present, but mentally absent". I wanted to quit school because i didn't want to study anymore. As far as i was concerned, one of the persons whom I was studying hard for was already gone... Dad was the beacon of light for me... He loved everything I did. He was my greatest fan... Nobody could ask for more.. But back then i couldn't see that because I was blinded by my raging teenage hormones... I didn't want to be controlled by Dad because I was afraid that it might be considered "uncool"...
Back to the story, since those people saw me at my darkest times, I figured that they must've not thought much about me as their student. Eventually years later, I learned that SHE had told one of my bosses in my previous job that "I didn't know what I was doing, so take it easy on her". Sure I complained a lot. I complained a lot because I was under stress and I didn't have time to unwind anymore... I don't know if you'd understand but if you worked in an almost 24/7 shift and you'd spend your free time and day offs sleeping, you'd understand how wound up I was with all the stress i was having... Complaining would've been a logical outlet... That really hurt me a lot, and although I haven't seen a hair of her now, or have I talked to her, my temper still sizzle everytime I remember what she did.
That's the one thing, I'd never do to my students... I realized how emotionally damaging and disturbing an indirect and subtle comments like that could be to a person. I was depressed for months after that incident, and after that I started to be on guard with everyone I met, especially teachers... And while I was teaching, if I had comments about what I have observed on my students, I keep them to myself. I don't tell them to other teachers, unless it was something positive... I don't want them to undergo what I've undergone... Hadn't it been for the continuous emotional support I get from my Mom, I would've never gotten over that. Maybe that's the reason why I've come to appreciate "Dutch Directness" so much. Although the truth hurts and
it usually does, it isn't as painful as when it is said behind your back and most especially to someone else...
I've been asked if I will ever forgive her. "To err is human, to forgive is divine.", I've been quoted once. But then I don't feel divinity in me... Maybe in the future, but not now.. Not when the scar is still fresh and painful...
The same goes with my brother, Rian. He told me and my mom that he definitely wants to become a pilot. Should I tell him "NO, FIND ANOTHER KIND OF DEGREE BECAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT." Instead, after a talk with him while we went jogging one time, I told him, "Go pursue that piloting course you always want after you finish high school. We've got you covered for that. Just promise me and Mommy one thing if we do give you that dream... Study hard and never quit on it, even if it gets really hard..."
I've been contemplating on the difference between a realist and a pessimist. In my opinion, a realist would think that something may or may not be achieveable because of given facts, but will try his best to get the result that he wants. He will try to make it into a reality. The pessimist, on the other hand, will see the facts and say "it's too difficult" and with that he gives up and that's the end of it...
Just like my own two hondjes (puppies), Mocha and Nacht, I have broken free from my own cage. I placed these two lovable dogs in cages because I was so afraid that the other dogs would treat them right... That they would get hurt and I wouldn't be there to protect them. But protecting them is not the only thing I do in this world. They are not the only ones I care about. I can't coddle them to safety, not especially since I'll be leaving for the Netherlands soon... So I let them go... They got into a few fights with other fellow puppies, they were a bit shocked by the vastness of the space they had now... They were no longer cramped in a small area... They got a chance to explore... I think they got a chance to grow... Tonight, when I played with them, they seemed happier than when they were in the cage... And I know they will grow up to be big and strong girls, who will not only defend themselves and their future pups, but also my own family... ;)
After whats happened to my life, I've become jaded, negative.. I've fallen into a void. But recently I've also learned that not all people are negative like the ones I mentioned above. There are people like Olive and Ernie, and my cousin Romina too, who have an aura bursting with positive energy... I realized I should find more people like them, because it is through people like them that will make my dreams come true. Being negative will never get you to what you want to be in your life. So much more being around dream-stealing and extremely pessimistic people. They will just pull you down... They will show you that you can't get what you want because they didn't. Who are they to tell you that?!? Who are they to steal your dream away?!? Always remember: THEY ARE NOT YOU!!! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRULY CAPABLE OF...
I'm leaving for the Netherlands soon, maybe my trip there would help my dreams come true, maybe not. But
one thing is for sure: I won't stop until I get my dream and get it right!!! My dream is strong enough to survive the hardship and the delay. Ten years maybe too long for many, but for me, I will endure those ten long agonizing years rather than spend the rest of my life as a miserable old biatch with nothing and a broken dream... I will never listen to people who think that they mean well for you but actually they don't, because in reality they are jealous that you are still able to dream and you are working hard for it... They do this because if you do get to fulfill that dream of yours, you'll make them feel even more miserable...
So listen to your dream... Listen to your heart's desire... BREAK FREE!!!
I attended a seminar last Sunday with a group of friends and cousins, and I was amazed at the insights I got from that event. It was truly an eye-opener and preparing for that day was just hectic. But it was worth everything. The speakers, Olive and Ernie, were just awesome! I mean they had a positive aura around them that will blow you
away! I realized that in life, one meets a lot of mentors... I can't thank my own direct mentor, cousin Romina, for letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The past couple of days of lying low has been times of contemplation for me with regards to what I've learned from that seminar. A few things that struck me the most were the following:
- Do not pre-judge people. In retrospect, I think that I have fallen under this trap a lot of times. Although not all of them ended up bad, a few have been, causing me to think at times, wishing fervently, that I could turn back the hands of time to undo things and make sure I never met those people. But Olive was right, those who cause resistance and friction with you, are those that make you stronger...
For those who didn't know me, a couple of years back, my father died of a heart attack. Back then, I was in my first semester as a senior in the university. I was devastated by his death, and because of that I fell into a state of depression that nobody knew I was undergoing...
On the outside, I would still smile, I would still be myself more or less, but in the inside, I was crumbling like a stone statue... During those times, those people saw the worst of me, and because they were people I looked up to I confided in them... Silly, naive me...
For years, I thought of them as second parents, because at first, confiding in them felt natural. I didn't want to show my tears back at home because the pain of my father's death was still fresh in everyone's minds especially my youngest brother, Bog. I didn't want to cause anymore distress... Anyway, as the semester ended, my grades plummeted down... I cared less about education at that time... All I wanted
to have once more was my Dad. You should've seen me back then. I was the perfect example of the phrase, "Physically present, but mentally absent". I wanted to quit school because i didn't want to study anymore. As far as i was concerned, one of the persons whom I was studying hard for was already gone... Dad was the beacon of light for me... He loved everything I did. He was my greatest fan... Nobody could ask for more.. But back then i couldn't see that because I was blinded by my raging teenage hormones... I didn't want to be controlled by Dad because I was afraid that it might be considered "uncool"...
Back to the story, since those people saw me at my darkest times, I figured that they must've not thought much about me as their student. Eventually years later, I learned that SHE had told one of my bosses in my previous job that "I didn't know what I was doing, so take it easy on her". Sure I complained a lot. I complained a lot because I was under stress and I didn't have time to unwind anymore... I don't know if you'd understand but if you worked in an almost 24/7 shift and you'd spend your free time and day offs sleeping, you'd understand how wound up I was with all the stress i was having... Complaining would've been a logical outlet... That really hurt me a lot, and although I haven't seen a hair of her now, or have I talked to her, my temper still sizzle everytime I remember what she did.
That's the one thing, I'd never do to my students... I realized how emotionally damaging and disturbing an indirect and subtle comments like that could be to a person. I was depressed for months after that incident, and after that I started to be on guard with everyone I met, especially teachers... And while I was teaching, if I had comments about what I have observed on my students, I keep them to myself. I don't tell them to other teachers, unless it was something positive... I don't want them to undergo what I've undergone... Hadn't it been for the continuous emotional support I get from my Mom, I would've never gotten over that. Maybe that's the reason why I've come to appreciate "Dutch Directness" so much. Although the truth hurts and
it usually does, it isn't as painful as when it is said behind your back and most especially to someone else...
I've been asked if I will ever forgive her. "To err is human, to forgive is divine.", I've been quoted once. But then I don't feel divinity in me... Maybe in the future, but not now.. Not when the scar is still fresh and painful...
- When dreaming, DREAM BIG and beware of the "dream stealers". I have one very big dream in life - TO RETIRE YOUNG (ON OR BEFORE I'M 35) AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE DOING THINGS I ALWAYS LOVE TO DO... A few of the smaller dreams attached to this bigger dream are 1.) to own and live in a big house situated right smack in the middle of a huge piece of (farm)land surrounded by a gazillion fruit trees, complete with the gadgets that I need to survive, with my family, 2.) to give/teach the Deaf the highest quality of education that they deserve, and 3.) do theater for the rest of my life...
The same goes with my brother, Rian. He told me and my mom that he definitely wants to become a pilot. Should I tell him "NO, FIND ANOTHER KIND OF DEGREE BECAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT." Instead, after a talk with him while we went jogging one time, I told him, "Go pursue that piloting course you always want after you finish high school. We've got you covered for that. Just promise me and Mommy one thing if we do give you that dream... Study hard and never quit on it, even if it gets really hard..."
I've been contemplating on the difference between a realist and a pessimist. In my opinion, a realist would think that something may or may not be achieveable because of given facts, but will try his best to get the result that he wants. He will try to make it into a reality. The pessimist, on the other hand, will see the facts and say "it's too difficult" and with that he gives up and that's the end of it...
Just like my own two hondjes (puppies), Mocha and Nacht, I have broken free from my own cage. I placed these two lovable dogs in cages because I was so afraid that the other dogs would treat them right... That they would get hurt and I wouldn't be there to protect them. But protecting them is not the only thing I do in this world. They are not the only ones I care about. I can't coddle them to safety, not especially since I'll be leaving for the Netherlands soon... So I let them go... They got into a few fights with other fellow puppies, they were a bit shocked by the vastness of the space they had now... They were no longer cramped in a small area... They got a chance to explore... I think they got a chance to grow... Tonight, when I played with them, they seemed happier than when they were in the cage... And I know they will grow up to be big and strong girls, who will not only defend themselves and their future pups, but also my own family... ;)
After whats happened to my life, I've become jaded, negative.. I've fallen into a void. But recently I've also learned that not all people are negative like the ones I mentioned above. There are people like Olive and Ernie, and my cousin Romina too, who have an aura bursting with positive energy... I realized I should find more people like them, because it is through people like them that will make my dreams come true. Being negative will never get you to what you want to be in your life. So much more being around dream-stealing and extremely pessimistic people. They will just pull you down... They will show you that you can't get what you want because they didn't. Who are they to tell you that?!? Who are they to steal your dream away?!? Always remember: THEY ARE NOT YOU!!! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRULY CAPABLE OF...
I'm leaving for the Netherlands soon, maybe my trip there would help my dreams come true, maybe not. But
one thing is for sure: I won't stop until I get my dream and get it right!!! My dream is strong enough to survive the hardship and the delay. Ten years maybe too long for many, but for me, I will endure those ten long agonizing years rather than spend the rest of my life as a miserable old biatch with nothing and a broken dream... I will never listen to people who think that they mean well for you but actually they don't, because in reality they are jealous that you are still able to dream and you are working hard for it... They do this because if you do get to fulfill that dream of yours, you'll make them feel even more miserable...
So listen to your dream... Listen to your heart's desire... BREAK FREE!!!
posted by Kagi at 2:18:00 AM
1 Comments:
one of the things that i liked about startrek is about having to see passed appearances. data and spock were the subject of much judgement because they appeared unusual. but look at how it turned out, they are my most favorite characters .. ^_^
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