Preparing the mind...
Personal log - 26th of September, 2006.
Now marks the 5th day since my birthday and the 7th day since I received news of my IND's approval. For the past several weeks, I have been brought up for a state of almost lost hope and a feeling of boredom, to a euphoria of being high and a whole other myriad of mixed emotions...
Eversince I got back from Rizal from the training, I've been excited and seemingly the Cebuano and female version of Gary V. For the first month of waiting, I was "Miss Pure Energy". Not I'm not that anymore, but for some reason as the days and the weeks went by, and I heard news of my other fellow trainees leaving for NL, I felt a bit jealous. A bit jealous because I was so hyped up into flying already, that I didn't think I'd be picked almost at the last.. hehehe But then, for some reason, I'm here a few days from my interview date, and I'm scared as ever... Why? I don't know...
I'm 24 years old now but maturity-wise, I feel as though I'm still stuck in my teens... Yes, at times I ramble a lot... Some of them are facts... I'm a nerd, a geek, a dork, or whatever you can think of calling me... I read and I like learning new stuff... I like hearing other people's opinions in things... I also like thinking and thinking out loud... Some of them are just some wacky ideas that come out of this thick coconut shell called my head... So some may think of me as smart, some just think of me as crazy or weird...
However, everything you see is but one side of the coin... Just one side of the moon... The light side of the moon... The other side is a dark place which I try so hard not to show... I may look like a tomboyish young lady who seems so strong and manly, she's one tough cookie to crack... But the tough cookie is merely the outer part... Inside this cookie is a soft, fragile person ready to break... Guys are either usually intimidated by me or would treat me like one of them... Sometimes its great, sometimes it also sucks... Why? Because...
I have a temper which I so work hard to suppress... An impulsive drive to do things that sometimes I end up making the wrong decisions... Having seen my friends and family/relatives and their 'relationships', I've always shielded myself, placed a wall around myself, that even I have a problem going past it... But when I see them happy with the people that they love, I end up feeling jealous... Maybe because silently and secretly I wish I was as happy as that with someone who loves you apart from your family... Someone you can run to when you are down as hell, and you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's okay. Yes, I've stumbled more the past couple of years than my life in total... All in all, I am NOT PERFECT! And I've always tried to stand up, or when things are really rough, have dragged myself to where I'm supposed to... ALONE...
Maybe I need to grow up... Maybe this one year in the Netherlands will just give me that... I am so scared to leave... Everything is going to be new there... I might have prepared myself linguistically and culturally, but still you can't prepare yourself enough... Maybe I'm just becoming emotional because in truth I've never been so emotionally stressed in my life... The trip in Manila has been an eye-opener for me that I have a very bad case of homesickness than anyone there is in the world... But I'm not backing out... If there's one thing my parents have ever taught me is that once you've made up your mind, you should never back down from it and never regret the decision you made...
I AM GOING TO THE NETHERLANDS... For me its not the land of milk and honey... For me it will be my sanctuary and my proving ground... The place that will give me a chance to think clearly... And make me stronger than I will ever be... That despite the nasty case of homesickness, I will survive. That despite the numerous adjustments I must make, I will survive! That despite every wrong decision I've made, this trip to the Netherlands will make it right!
Maybe my Mom is right. Maybe, I really really need to grow up. Straighten things in my life... Career-wise, I am happy with teaching... Eventually i will end up working and doing my dream "job".... I will be able to make sound decisions... I may feel a myriad of emotions that I'm familiar with and some which I don't understand... I have to be strong... I am going to be strong.... Fear can be paralyzing, and I don't want that... It's all in the mind... I must prepare my mind for the bigger picture... The bigger picture is that in a several days, something new will begin... It will be a new chapter of this adventure called life.... My life...
End log.
Now marks the 5th day since my birthday and the 7th day since I received news of my IND's approval. For the past several weeks, I have been brought up for a state of almost lost hope and a feeling of boredom, to a euphoria of being high and a whole other myriad of mixed emotions...
Eversince I got back from Rizal from the training, I've been excited and seemingly the Cebuano and female version of Gary V. For the first month of waiting, I was "Miss Pure Energy". Not I'm not that anymore, but for some reason as the days and the weeks went by, and I heard news of my other fellow trainees leaving for NL, I felt a bit jealous. A bit jealous because I was so hyped up into flying already, that I didn't think I'd be picked almost at the last.. hehehe But then, for some reason, I'm here a few days from my interview date, and I'm scared as ever... Why? I don't know...
I'm 24 years old now but maturity-wise, I feel as though I'm still stuck in my teens... Yes, at times I ramble a lot... Some of them are facts... I'm a nerd, a geek, a dork, or whatever you can think of calling me... I read and I like learning new stuff... I like hearing other people's opinions in things... I also like thinking and thinking out loud... Some of them are just some wacky ideas that come out of this thick coconut shell called my head... So some may think of me as smart, some just think of me as crazy or weird...
However, everything you see is but one side of the coin... Just one side of the moon... The light side of the moon... The other side is a dark place which I try so hard not to show... I may look like a tomboyish young lady who seems so strong and manly, she's one tough cookie to crack... But the tough cookie is merely the outer part... Inside this cookie is a soft, fragile person ready to break... Guys are either usually intimidated by me or would treat me like one of them... Sometimes its great, sometimes it also sucks... Why? Because...
I have a temper which I so work hard to suppress... An impulsive drive to do things that sometimes I end up making the wrong decisions... Having seen my friends and family/relatives and their 'relationships', I've always shielded myself, placed a wall around myself, that even I have a problem going past it... But when I see them happy with the people that they love, I end up feeling jealous... Maybe because silently and secretly I wish I was as happy as that with someone who loves you apart from your family... Someone you can run to when you are down as hell, and you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's okay. Yes, I've stumbled more the past couple of years than my life in total... All in all, I am NOT PERFECT! And I've always tried to stand up, or when things are really rough, have dragged myself to where I'm supposed to... ALONE...
Maybe I need to grow up... Maybe this one year in the Netherlands will just give me that... I am so scared to leave... Everything is going to be new there... I might have prepared myself linguistically and culturally, but still you can't prepare yourself enough... Maybe I'm just becoming emotional because in truth I've never been so emotionally stressed in my life... The trip in Manila has been an eye-opener for me that I have a very bad case of homesickness than anyone there is in the world... But I'm not backing out... If there's one thing my parents have ever taught me is that once you've made up your mind, you should never back down from it and never regret the decision you made...
I AM GOING TO THE NETHERLANDS... For me its not the land of milk and honey... For me it will be my sanctuary and my proving ground... The place that will give me a chance to think clearly... And make me stronger than I will ever be... That despite the nasty case of homesickness, I will survive. That despite the numerous adjustments I must make, I will survive! That despite every wrong decision I've made, this trip to the Netherlands will make it right!
Maybe my Mom is right. Maybe, I really really need to grow up. Straighten things in my life... Career-wise, I am happy with teaching... Eventually i will end up working and doing my dream "job".... I will be able to make sound decisions... I may feel a myriad of emotions that I'm familiar with and some which I don't understand... I have to be strong... I am going to be strong.... Fear can be paralyzing, and I don't want that... It's all in the mind... I must prepare my mind for the bigger picture... The bigger picture is that in a several days, something new will begin... It will be a new chapter of this adventure called life.... My life...
End log.
posted by Kagi at 1:48:00 AM
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