How I wish...

Personal log - 21st of February, 2007.

"Ben jij verliefd, Kaye?" That is the common question here for me. Nearly three people have asked it to me already. And I have always answered them the same answer - "I wish I were..."

I always wonder why they ask me such a question. Especially now in my current emotional state of mind. Of course, they don't know that I've been already through a few relationships... and that one of them is the cause of my depression lately. Nobody quite knows that. I keep that within the confines of my room. Not outside. It's not professional.

But why do people ask me that? IS it because of my age? Or do I look like I'm in love? Do I project such an aura around people? Oh I hope not because I'm not really interested.

If I was "verliefd", what's in it for them? Is my being NOT verliefd affecting my work? Is that the reason that they have taken notice? Oh I hope not as well.

I think my "parameters" for a relationship has always been simple. I've never really, really looked for the most handsome guy to be my boyfriend. I've never even really looked for the rich guys. That would be too superficial. But those are usually "plus" points, but not necessary, because some of these guys end up being BIG jerks. But is it so hard to ask for a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders whom you share things in common with? A guy whom you can talk to about anything at anytime and still you don't get bored or you don't have to be scared that he will run away as soon as you come running to him with a problem/frustration or something that you're interested in but he's not quite into it... A guy who will not be able to give you everything, but he will give you his time and his companionship and that would be enough... But the big question is: DOES A GUY EVER EXIST?

But of course, I've been burned so many times that I am so scared to even think a guy of that character even exists. I am scared that if such a guy comes into my life, he would just slip away from my hands again and leave me miserable with myself. I am afraid that I might scare him away because I've been running "Red Alert" and kept my shields up for so long that he can't come near me anymore. I am afraid that if I haven't managed to scare him away, he'd get bored with me. I'm scared that if I haven't managed to bore him with my usually "boring" nature, I will scare him away with my temper. I am scared that if I don't scare him away with my temper, he will just slip away because circumstances would fit just like a missing jigsaw puzzle piece and not allowing us to be together.

I am a simple girl with simple wants. But I am scared that I give in to those wants I will become weak, as I have become now. I don't want that. If that was the case, then I'd rather be single. Ik ben hooploos, denk ik. Dat is een veel te groot droom. A part of me says, "How I wish..." Another part of me tells me "Dream on..."

End log.