Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Emotional frostbite...

Personal log – 23rd of November, 2006.

Today marks the 35th day of my stay here in the Netherlands. Yet despite the joy I have in staying here, there is still something amiss. Like the weather today, I feel dreary and cold and I don't wish to do anything but stay in my room and curl up into a ball.

A part of me is happy because I have finally started the journey to my independence. That I am no longer a teenager but an adult, who tries to fare in a world by herself. Yet, despite that need for independence, I feel still the need for dependence. Emotional dependence. I have tried to tell myself that it is time for me to grow up and that I don't need anyone. However, the more I say that to myself, why do I ever so desperately wonder how I will fare without them...? Why do I ever so desperately try to ask my Mom what to do in situations like these, to hear her kind words, her soothing words, only to remember that I am in another side of the world and that she cannot hear me?

Yes, I live with very kind people now. Kind enough to ask me how I'm faring. Kind enough to encourage me to do and explore things here. Yet, no matter how nice and kind they are to me, they couldn't provide me the emotional support that I need right now. As much as I try and pick myself up whenever I am emotionally down, there is always a point wherein I end up remembering that I am not strong enough to do it alone. That there was always someone, whom I could just run to and whose embrace or laughter or words were always enough to soothe my troubled soul. A compass to help me find my way again. Who knows in a few more months, I might find that in them, but not now.

It's funny how things can be so ironic. To some people, I have become their compass, their shoulder to cry on, their Joan of Arc. But to myself, I can't do that. I can only do little to get myself to snap out of my emotional moments. Yet I am afraid to reach out to someone else because I'm afraid I might become weak. Yet I am tired. Although I still want to become their hero to slay their dragons, I also need a hero myself, to help me slay my own dragons. But they are so far away. With the technology we have today they feel like an arms length away, but still they are so far.

I still feel so alone. I wonder for how long I can continue dragging myself to my feet. I wonder for how long I can go on like this. Yes, family and your best friends are important. But there are times when you can't have them around, you also need someone else... Someone who knows you and whom you know wouldn't burn you and eventually put you down because they've seen your weaker side. Someone you can be yourself with. But even that I don't even have. It sucks. I've been through many heartaches, some of which some people know already, to say I am tired of depending my emotions on guys. Sometimes they tell you that you are the one for them and then suddenly you didn't know you have become girl number 2 without you knowing it. Eventually you end up the target of girl number one to the point that when they got married, and he still looks at you, girl number one wants your head on a platter.

Sometimes they are too nice and sensitive that everything you do is wrong and exactly the opposite. All because the timing was not right or something. Sometimes you think that you and him are already nearly an item when suddenly he asks you the dreaded question: “do you think your bestfriend and I look great together?” I'm tired of having my emotions played upon by guys... It just friggin' sucks!

And now, I feel even more alone and depressed in a relationship that is separated by miles of land and water. A relationship that is becoming more “spannend” or tense with each passing day. WE are about to become one year this December, yet with recent conversations, I feel as though I have become emotionally frostbitten. Maybe because our once nice conversations have been reduced to just a few words of “Hi”, “hello”, “how are you?”, “how's the weather?”, etc. Is it the time difference? Because I can stay up for him if he wanted to but both of us knows that we have obligations ourselves. Maybe that's the reason why I want to be alone. You can never trust your emotions too much on people because in the end, it's just you who tries to pick it up. I don't know if things are going to pick up between us again, if the spark that was there will be back... I wonder if he had found someone else from where he's at? I wonder, if he's just to nice to tell me that “oh, I can't go there and see you because...” You fill in the blanks. I'm too tired to think.

My emotional batteries have been partially recharged. But like any battery, it still has a gap that needs to be filled. I don't feel brand new. Yes, I can still function properly enough to do what I'm supposed to do here. Enough to still be there for them. But not enough for myself. I wonder if I will ever be full? Without my other emotional support here, will I ever find a way to stay strong, enough for other people and for myself...?

Like my body and face yesterday while I was going around in the cold, I almost feel nothing...

End log.