Sunday, January 01, 2006

We wear a mask...

(taken from a poem I read from a book I had long ago)
(I just thought I'd share it with you)

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us,
while We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
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Sensei... Nan desu ka?

All my life I've always wondered what it was like to be a teacher. Maybe, when I was younger, I might have never thought of myself as a teacher, however, it was more of a fascination rather than a liking.

I’ve read, heard and learned that “teaching” is the noblest and most important profession the world has ever known. Without the teachers, there wouldn't be doctors, engineers, programmers, politicians, et al. Imagine, teachers have the power to make or break someone in the palm of your hands… The power to mold someone to make him ready to face life, or to make him destroy it...

Okay, so I may sound preachy. But that's how I feel...

(02.05.2005 -- fin)

When someone else sells your soul...

Several months ago, I made a post which I never got to post because I never got to finish it... Back then I was very upset of something that had happened to me... Up until now I still hurt whenever I am reminded of that incident... I am scarred, and I don't know if it will ever heal...

Although it is still unfinished, I am going to post it... For there is nothing left to say... What's done is done, and there is nothing that can turn back time and make it right... I'm posting this though because WRITING is one creative outlet that ALWAYS soothes my troubled soul...


All my life, my trust for people had been genuine and was strong as my loyalty for them. This has always been the case. My loyalty and friendship as well as my trust towards a person never wans until that person has done something otherwise... Some say its my strong point. Unfortunately for me, it's my weakness. I had to learn that the hard way...

Recently, I have succumb to a deep and recurring depression. Why? Because of the betrayal and treachery done by the people whom I have entrusted a part of myself to. People whom I had looked up to but now only looks more like the pharisees if you ask me.

These past couple of weeks had been an epiphany as to where I stand as a person and what I am to those certain people in my life... I know that my ways are unorthodox, that there are times that following the norms and rules are too much. It's like raging against a strong current. There are a few like me, who refuse to conform to the norms of what we do. To us, achieving excellence is demanding and doing some things that can't be done by conforming to norms... None-the-less, the damage has been done and I'm worth nothing now... They sold my soul to the devil without me even realizing it...

What hurts me the most is the fact that to one of them, I am someone that "people should take easily because I am not good at anything I do..." I looked up to this person so much! Her advise were so invaluable to me that there were times, I couldn't live without them... Now, it seems that everything was just a ruse to earn my friggin' trust! They USED me!

(04.09.2005 -- still unfinished)

Mainichi, kaisha de zangyoshimasu...

Note: This is an old post from my other blog. I thought I'd put it in here since it is a view on my life after all...


It's almost been two years, one year and six months and eight days to be exact, since I got employed. And all this time, I have been working day in and day out. Mainichi kaisha de zangyoshimasu. At first, I found the experience quite exciting. Working is the lifeblood of everything I do. Call me a certified Workaholic. I love working. It was all about the experience, the friends, and the good pay and all the other things that went with it that drove me to work more. But all that has died. There's this saying that "too much of everything is bad for you". I guess that saying is right. Subtly, and slowly, I had come to realize that I had given up a whole lot of things with this work. No, not given up but sacrificed. Yes. I have sacrificed more that I think of. My family, my dream and basically my life in general. I guess you can't work with something so hard and not neglect the other aspects in your life now can you?

My dreams, like any ordinary person, are simple. I want to be with my family always. In contrary to my ideals during the "rebellious years" of my life, I find the company of my family as a reassurance and as a comfort. It is with them, being with them that I feel that I am alive... But how do I feel such when even if I am so near, I am so very far away from them. I get home when the boys and my sister are asleep, and either they get up and leave for school before me and I am asleep or vice versa. When I do get the chance to see them, I feel alienated because I am so OUT OF SYNC with the latest news. Sometimes I see them so happy with each other's company but I just don't know to approach them anymore. It's as though they have created a whole new happy little world of their own, inviting me to join them, yet prevented by the demands of my work. God! Sometimes I feel it would have been understandable if I felt like that if I had been working overseas for a couple of years. But I'm not working overseas. I'm only working a city away from my own hometown. It's a forty-five minute drive to work, if the traffic is forgiving...

Another dream of mine is to work with theater and writing. One dream that seems to be so out of my grasp. I've got all of these stories in my head but I can hardly get them out because I can't get myself to just sit down and write. Just plain crazy ideas that I just can't get out of my head. I also have all of this "theatrical energy", yet I can't be with a theater group, just be on stage and play a character or two. If this goes on, I think I might just go nuts!

Currently, I've been able to start working on a revision to a story I wrote almost a year ago. This time I'm determined to finish it by the end of the year. And no "mainichi zangyoshimasu" will stop me from doing so... With the recent breakup with my boyfriend, I've been down a lot. I guess everyone does. But I've decided to use this "senti mood" or "sentimental mood" to my advantage. I've made some progress. It's not much, but I've made some... And I hope slowly but surely, this will be done...

Dame da yo! I'm ranting again. I need to get back to work and get my ass home before I get locked out of the house again... Back to work! Back to work! Back to work!( 2004.6.3 Thu 11:49 pm)