Sci-Fi Dad

Personal log – 9th of May, 2009.

After FedCon 2009, I have been feeling a bit nostalgic about somethings and someone. It's my Dad. Later this year, we would be celebrating his 8th death anniversary. Yet something about that is so surreal. Not that he was an absentee parent, but it was his job that reduced the time we spent together in half, I guess. He worked in islands, while the rest of the family settled in another. The price he had to pay to give us a good life, and make sure that we had "roots" to call our own, instead of wandering like a family of nomads at every new assignment that he had...

I wonder what would've happened if he were still alive today and I planned and attended FedCon? How would he have reacted? Would we have exchanged a gazillion emails about the different sci-fi series that was presented there? Would he tell me about what he thought about the actors and the storylines? Would he tell me that he had huge crush on Erin Gray (from Buck Rogers)? Because I know he did tell me once that he had a huge crush on singer/actress, Cher, when I was in my middle teens. The only reaction he got from me was a big fat "Eeeww!".

In the 19 years that I've known my father, I would say that he probably was a Sci-Fi fan. He was the one who introduced me to Star Trek and Star Wars in the first place, although several years ago, I would have called it "baduy" (out of style or ouderwets [NL]). I think he would have laughed his ass off if he realized how big a Sci-Fi fan I've become now, and that I've realized how I love the TV shows and movies that we used to watch together years back...

A couple of weeks back, I bought the season 1 and season 2 (only the first 12 episodes) of the old TV series, Beauty and the Beast (Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman). I can still remember the happiness that surged within me when I got hold of those DVD boxes... But now that he's not here, I feel like I'm reminiscing the old times and that he is right here beside me when I watch the episodes. I guess now that I'm starting to collect DVD editions of the shows that we used to watch (McGuyver, MASH, A-Team, et cetera), I will also try to get my hands on other "older" Sci-Fi shows and movies (TOS, TNG, Buck Rogers, old BSG, et cetera) and watch them like me and him used to... This half-Klingon would hate to admit it, but I miss him terribly.

End log.

Who are we kidding?

As I finished preparing my lunch for tomorrow, the song "Anak" by Filipino singer Freddie Aguilar, suddenly plays on my DVD player.  Right there and then, my eyes wandered towards the photo collage I have made in my room...  Photos of mostly family and of friends who are dear to my heart...  Unconsciously, I burst into tears and collapse into the stool closest to me...  

It's been months since I last went home to the PH.  Three and a half weeks of just the family, friends and more family...  Now, it's back to hearing news from home and that's it.  You only get emails and digital photos sent to you... I am so thankful that I live in this era where the internet is something normal and what everyone has...  I am so glad that we don't necessarily have to write long letters and wait for weeks before they arrive home and weeks before we get a reply back...  I am so thankful that there is an option to calling home that isn't so expensive: Skype or any other cheap mobile prepaid that allows you to call the Philippines whenever and wherever you want...  And yet, here I am still struck with a sudden nauseating wave of heimvee (homesickness).

Earlier on, when my eyes wandered and lingered on the family photos that I have on my collage, I am totally drawn into the whole spectrum of memories and even more tears run down the sides of my face.  It must be true, what they say about once you've been home after being gone for so long, it's so hard to let go of the ones you leave behind again...

I've been listening to a lot of songs from home recently and although, some of you might say that I am baduy (old-fashioned [EN] or ouderwets [NL]), I don't really care anymore...  My mom always branded me a crybaby despite my seemingly "tough and nerdy exterior"...  For some reason, I tend to keep a brave face despite everything that is happening: the ghost of a memory of the death of a parent, the pressure of being the oldest child and grandchild, expectations of people around me, keeping strong and working hard despite the lingering fear of every migrant worker here in NL due to the recession...  And yet here I am, I wake up everyday, and look myself in the mirror everyday and reminding myself of who I am and what I need to do...  As a finishing touch, I put on that brave and smiling face just before I step out of the house...  Yet, underneath that mask, there is this uncertain little girl who misses the calming voice of her mother and the soothing words that come with it...  Underneath it is the scared little girl who is threatening to break under pressure...

Truth be told, I could just have been happy with my life in Cebu.  I could have continued teaching or probably went back into IT to work as a Software Developer.  I could have been with the family and friends that I have known in the first twenty-four years of my life, doing what I've always known and understood...  

But there is just a time in your life when you say, "I've had it!  I've had enough of this!  I don't want this anymore!  I want something new!"  When that happens and you say it to yourself, you unconsciously don't see the wind carrying that request for a change of pace and a change of lifestyle drifts and someone hears it.  Someone or something hears it and opens a door or even a window of opportunity for you...

Of course, that sense of adventure and the need to explore and see "new worlds" (I know, I know, I sound like a Star Trek ad) drives you to put one step in front of the other.  You eventually end up taking a step into that door and you are amazed and drawn in by what you see and feel.  True, the idea of living abroad, when you look at it through the eyes of someone who has never been there, is very tempting and it feels like you're in heaven...  It is surreal...

Yet once you start living it, the realization, that it is as real as your previous life only with trade offs that you didn't expect, hits you hard.  You realize that when you come home, you are coming home into a very quiet apartment and nobody's in the living room trying to make homework while listening to some insanely ridiculous songs...  When you grab the TV remote control, you realize that there is no one to fight with when it comes to which TV show or movie to watch that evening...  When you go to the kitchen, you don't see a sibling eating leftovers from dinner as a midnight snack...  There are so many things you realize that were once normal things for you, are now the very things you look forward to doing when you decide to get on that plane again for home...  There and then, you realize that the only thing that keeps you going on is the fact that the moment you hear their happy voices on the phone or when you read there novel-like emails, you are once again closer to home and yet still too far away to touch them and wrap your arms around them...

When I told my Mom that I wanted to find a job here in the Netherlands because I liked the country and the weather was good for me health-wise, I also had other reasons.  I wanted to learn to be independent.  I wanted to be free.  I wanted to finally be considered a "grown-up" in the eyes of family...  Despite being the oldest child in the family and being in my mid-20's, if you live with your family, you still feel the grip of your parents on you.  That you are still that little girl that they used to lead by the hand.

The first few steps by ourselves is a feat of triumph, which we are so proud of that we push ourselves to take more steps forward.  Unfortunately, there are times that we fall and we sometimes do fall really hard.  When we look around we only see them (our family, our parents) so far away.  We cry and just stay that way for a bit.  We cry some more to call out to them to help us up...  To take us once again by the hand until we can be steady on our feet again.  However, they're too far away this time.  They can only cheer us on.  They can only encourage us to wipe the tears from our eyes and plant our palms firmly on the ground and push ourselves off the ground.  They can, in fact, do only so much...  So you are like an (emotional) cripple trying to teach yourself to move and stand and walk once again...  No one else is there...  No one else but you...  Yet you need to get up and move because if you don't, you end up wallowing in bitterness and pain...

We realize that this wasn't something that we wanted.  We wanted the financial security, yet we also wanted to keep that emotional security that we had for years...

Who are we kidding?  Nobody gets everything they want in life.  Like me, many Filipino OFW's (Overseas Filipino Workers) leave their families and homes to search for adventure and/or greener pastures...   

I am lucky, in a sense, that I am single when I left home.  But then again, I come from a huge family and all of a sudden, I'm in this country all alone...  You don't hear the boys arguing on who is going to do the dishes...  You don't hear your sister and your brother arguing who gets to watch what on TV...  You don't get to run around the house anymore as you are being chased by your Mom out on a "Tickling spree"! 

Probably, I'm starting to realize what really matters the most: the family I left behind back home...  Who are we kidding?  Life doesn't hand out all the good options on a silver platter for you to just take...  Maybe.  Just maybe.  This once tough cookie has gone soft...

Post-it Moments

Today, as I sat on my desk and saw the Post-it note on my computer monitor, I remembered that I wrote to myself to remind me of what I had done the day before.  Daily Stand-ups are always nice because in a way it reminds you what you had done and what you are going to do.  It also informs the team of what you have been doing.  But when you are jumping from one task to another due to project dependencies or short chit-chats with colleagues (or your manager) at the coffee machine, which cannot be avoided, you have to write these things down and stick it on your monitor so that you have a "perfect" reminder of the day before.

I guess you can also say that I am a major Post-it user.  Ever since that day I saw that scene between Lisa Kudrow talking about “inventing the post-its” in the movie Romy and Michelle’s High School reunion, I can never stop using them!  I have Post-its everywhere: 

• My grocery shopping list is on a Post-it, sticking on the side of my wallet.
  
• My monthly expenses and “must-haves” are written on two different Post-it sheets on my kitchen corkboard. 
  
• I have To-Do lists written on Post-its sticking on my planner. 
  
• I even have a digital Post-it application on the desktop of my laptop if the “paper Post-its” are not enough…
  
• At work, I have at least two Post-its sticking on the sides of my computer monitor at work reminding me about things that need to be done on the coming Sprint.  
  
• I use them as bookmarks, reminding me what that part of the book is without having to skim through it first…
  

I guess Life is like that as well.  I will not say that I am a person who knows a lot of things about life, because I'm not.  What I do know, is that recently, a lot of things have happened in my life that makes me want to qualify them as "Post-it moments". (Note: I'm using the classic colored Post-its, not the overly colorful or bright versions of today... Eew.)

1. Blue Post-it note.  Several days ago, I received an email from my mother that one of my dear mentors from Grad school died of a heart attack.  Even not too long ago as well, one of my Dad's brothers lovingly known as "Speed" to his friends and to family and "Uncle Giant" died.  Death is a very touchy subject for me and even more so, I don't like the idea of looking at coffins, especially white ones.  Blue post it notes makes me feel sad.  Whether you use a black or blue pen, this color seems to drain the life out of the ink and make it so look so sad and almost non-existent.  These also remind you that life can't always be colorful and happy.

2. Yellow Post-it note.  One of my bestfriend since high school is getting married.  Yes, Peanut, I'm talking about you... ;)  News such as these are like the bright yellow Post-it notes that brighten up your day and make you smile.  It's always bright and will still try to be bright, eventhough you spill hot chocolate or coffee on it.

3. Green Post-it note. Green Post-it notes are dubious ones.  They are the kind of post it notes that in some occasions show your note quite clear, and yet also in other instances, just like blue makes the original ballpen ink color fade and mesh with the background...  The current economic crisis is like that.  I feel that a lot being an migrant worker.  You are left with a particular uncertainty despite the fact that Upper Management would tell you that everything is alright.  At times like these, everything seems soooo dubious...

4. Orange/Pink Post-it note. Like the Yellow Post-it note, this one can be as bright and juicy as can be. These are the kind of Post-it notes which you use if you don't want to forget anything.  Like a very important meeting or job interview!  When I was trying to take my Dutch driving exam, I remember place a bright colored Orange or was it a Pink Post-it note in a chapter of my driving theory book to remember a very important rule in driving...  These are like "exclamation point" markers and in life (and during that Driving theory exam), it felt as though life was highlighting the questions and answers for me...  These are like things in your life that remind you of what really matters and keeps on reminding you that same thing over and over again...  Like a sibling's birthday or that trip to Ireland which you owe yourself for a long time, perhaps...

An Ode to Wendy

I’m angry. Yes, I’m VERY angry. But what I’m going to write right now is but a tip of the iceberg of what I plan to write sometime soon. Something that I may or may not publish but will contain all my pent up anger towards everything that has happened to me in almost two years of my stay in this country... But this post isn’t about that at all… This is about my anger towards men who suffer from the “Peter Pan” mentality and to the many women who become their own version of “Wendy” out there because they’re fed up in being in Neverland… I should know, I am a Wendy myself.

A few years ago, I read an article in a magazine which said that men or boys (or whatever you wish this confusing male gender of this species) are vain and proud of a lot of things about themselves, no matter which race or creed or age group they come from. I would say that is true. There are also gay men who have more or less the vanity of a woman, but then again they are a different story. Besides, I have many effeminate male friends who happen to be really good people. But these are the “manly” men that we are talking about here. This gender is so infused with pride since the day they were born that they are by nature quite stubborn, especially to people of the opposite sex. It is even true that even the simplest, kindest and most caring bloke you’ve known can be a blockhead and a major pain in the ass when they feel that we (women and et cetera) have struck a certain chord within them, which possibly threatens their pride and vanity as the “stronger and more dominant gender” on this planet.

However, in the end, it all boils down to one thing: men wanting to be boys; and boys wanting to be men, who later realize that their lives are less complicated if they just remain who they are. Unfortunately for us women, we are the ones who have to contend with these types of men. We, sad but true, do unconsciously fall for these 'immature' types of men. When the relationship starts up, everything is so nice and fun, and that’s where they excel in… However when trouble brews and when push comes to shove, they’ll drop you like a hot potato. Going out of their comfort zone is a big NO-NO because as far as they are concerned, they are happy there and they wish to stay happy, even if it’s for the moment. Thoughts of the future and understanding the consequences of their actions now are beyond their comprehension. They are indeed just boys trapped in men’s bodies…

What really gets on my nerves when it comes to these Peter Pan-like guys is that they are the guys you least expect to hurt you in the end. When the times come when the fun and niceties become boring and you have to eventually face the reality of life, they find you boring as well and not interesting anymore. When Wendy decides to grow up, Peter Pan says that the “connection” between them is gone. And when all is said and done and you both have parted ways, you think that you can still stay friends? It’s difficult. Why? Because you see him and you know that your feelings for him are still quite strong, yet the only thing they tell you that you two can’t be together anymore because there is no connection… But he still cares for you and that you are special to him…

Well, that sucks! That sucks big time! A good friend of mine has told me that “love” and “care” are but verbs, and we all know that most verbs are action words… Well, in these cases, they are. The action done behind these words are what speaks the loudest than what is said up front. So I wonder if these Peter Pans are telling the truth when they say that they still care for you and that you are still special to them… I tell you now, based on my experience, everything you say to these men during the start of the shaky relationship and after the break-up is futile. They won’t listen to you anymore, and the tears that you shed in front of them will be deemed as “drama” meant for during a relationship, not when you are friends… So if they tell you that they care for you, ask them what are they going to do about it? And if they can’t give you a definite answer, tell them to go to H@&l!

Even when you’ve parted ways, you still voice out your concerns to them because you still care for them. You worry about them in the present time and you worry about their futures because their priorities in life are so screwed up. You worry because you care… You care because deep down you still feel that connection you once had… A connection that Peter himself decided to ignore because for him, it has long gone, when actually, it is just faded into the background. His need for fun and niceties and living on the moment is so strong that it has completely overshadowed that connection… Ladies, I tell you, save your tears. These men are not worth it. They don’t give a rat’s ass about us, we might as well not give a rat’s ass about them…

I’m angry because now the hobbies I once so enjoyed I rarely do it anymore. The same hobbies that bound the two of you together. The same hobbies you thought you’d both share to your children… Yes, I’m angry because with these hobbies, they know no bounds… As a Wendy, I knew my bounds, and I knew what I need to do. I’ve learned and practiced delayed gratification. However, Peter Pans are a master of instant gratification. If it’s fun, they’ll do it with an ideology that says “screw the world as long as I have fun”. And what does that leave you…? Truth is, you are left with nothing… You become nothing…

Why can’t we ever get the serious and mature type of men? These men are very rare to find. They are either already hitched or not interested in relationships because they feel there are still more important things in their lives to do before they tie the knot. These men are 'early birds'; men whose mature character and serious outlook in life are shaped by hard and difficult events in their lives and/or the pressure that the people around them give them. Events which would probably shock men with the 'Peter Pan' ideology, whose heads are stuck in the clouds.

It’s funny how the latter type of men make you still laugh, make you feel special, despite their hard, and sometimes stone-cold disposition. They make you feel like a real woman. But like I said, these men are difficult to find. They’ve gone down from the clouds for a long time and they’re all grown up now… It’s now upto us Wendy-wannabes to get out of Neverland and start growing up… Who knows we might get ourselves real men and not boys…

My anger is yet to reach its climax. I’m too angry for my own good. I could blow up at everyone I know to let out some steam, I can even trash my room out of rage… But I don’t think that would be good and I don’t think that will do me any good. I am now in the process of finding ways to better myself and find productive and positive outlets for my anger… Truth is, I don’t know how long it will take for me to let him go because I feel so hollow inside… I don’t even know if that void will ever be filled… It may take weeks, or months, or even years… Who knows… And when after all the anger has dissipated, what will be left between the two of us? I don’t know the answer to that…

I am proud to call myself a Wendy. I will grow up and no one is going to stop me. I may grow old and mature in all aspects in my life, but it is a choice and a risk worth taking. Life is too short to be lived in the comforts of our comfort zones… Life is too short to be lived for the most shallow endeavors… I choose to grow up and live life as it should be, even if I have to lose some of the people that I once cared for…

Let me leave you a few quotes that I like and have pondered upon…

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish each moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.” – Jean Luc Picard (from the film "Star Trek: Generations”)

“Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” – Carl Sandburg

“Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.” – Charlotte Bronte

“I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“A useless life is an early death.” – Goethe

“Without some goals and some efforts to reach it, no man can live.” – John Dewey

“Study as if you were going to live forever; live as if you were going to die tomorrow.” – Maria Mitchell

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.” – Wallace Stegner

“Lives, like money, are spent. What are you buying with yours?” – Roy H. Williams

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost

And my personal favorite:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain.

On my own...

Sinds gisterenavond had ik deze liedje in mijn hoofd gespeeld. Ik weet echt niet precies maar die kwam in mijn gedachten en kon niet meer stoppen... Whatever...

***

On My Own
Les Misrables

(EPONINE)
And now I'm all alone again,
No where to turn, no one to go to
Without a hope, without a friend, Without a face to say hello to
but now the night is near,
and I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

En de beslissing is...

Personal log - 20th of July, 2008.

Ik had gepraten met hem vannacht. Ik zei tegen hem mijn beslissing. Ik ga daten weer. Hij was verbaasd. Ik zei "ja, ik moet jou vergeten.".

Voor bijna anderehalf jaar, hij was mijn wereld. Alles dat ik goed doe hier in Nederland was voor mijn familie en ook voor hem. Ik doe niks voor mezelf... Hij was mijn inspiratie. Hij was mijn reden om door te gaan in mijn leven en dromen hier in deze land. Maar ja, alles is voorbij. Het is bijna twee maanden geleden.

Maar waarom is het moeilijk om hij te vergeten? Mijn "insomnia" was nooit als erg als toen ik in NSP gewerkt. Ik doe geen overwerk in mijn werk, maar ik kan niet slapen. Hij is in mijn hoofd als ik geen andere dingen denk. Wij knuffelen bij het bankje... Mijn hand in zijn hand. Want hij was mijn eerste echt liefde en ik wil hem niet verloren...

Ja, mijn leven hier in NL was nooit makkelijk. Nooit voor mij en echt niet voor hem. Ik had verschillende problemen achter elkaar. Ik had problemen met mijn nieuwe visa en sommige mensen dat ik ken hier ook. En ik was voor een tijd erg homesick. Als je blij willen worden, kan je dat echt niet doen met problemen... Ik was altijd bang dat ik teruggerstuurd naar de Filipijnen. Ik kwam door een culturele uitwisselingsprogramma en door dat situatie besloot ik dat in NL te blijven. Ik voel beter hier van een gezondheids perspectief. Ik kan ook een beter leven maken voor mezelf en voor mijn familie.

Ik hou van mijn land. Ja, het is zeker dat ik ben niet echt blij met de politici daar. Maar alles dat ik weet en ken zijn daar. Mijn heel familie wonen nog steeds daar. Maar ik heb gekozen om een andere land te wonen en werken want het is belangrijk voor mij om mijn dromen te volbrengen en in hetzelfde tijd mijn familie in de Filipijnen helpen. Waarom? Want ik ben de oudste en ik ben verantwoordelijk voor mijn familie. Mijn moeder is bijna vijftig en zij is een weduwe. Voor bijna zeven jaren, heeft zij her kinderen opvoeden. Zij is zo sterk en ik weet niet om hoe zij alles overleeft. Ik weet wel dat ik was nooit een makkelijk kind. Ik had gegroeid met een zilverelepel in mijn mond.

Mijn vader had een goede baan en mijn moeder werkt ook. Wij waren nooit rijk maar wij leven met veel voordelen. Toen ik een kind was, had ik iemand om mijn ontbijt, lunch, en diner gemaakt. Ik had iemand waar dat had mijn kleren gewasd en gestreken. Ik had iemand om alles dat ik wil doen. Vroeger had ik in dure privé scholen gestudierd. Mijn zusje (2e) en broertje (3e) had dat ook gehad toen mijn vader leeft. Maar onze "fairy tale" leven was kapot toen mijn vader dood was. Ik studierd mijn diploma bijna af en ik dacht dat mijn leven voorbij was. Maar alles ging goed want ik had goede banen in de Filipijnen. Maar ik wilt om iets beters te hebben voor mijn familie. Een hoger salaris dat ik kon niet hebben in de Filipijnen als een programmeur.

Hij is de aardigste man ik heb ooit ontmoeten. Maar na viertien maanden, zei hij tegen mij dat er is geen geestelijk verbinding tussen ons. Ik heb dat verbinding gevoeld... Met mijn problemen, had ik met hem veel ruzies en misschien is dat de reden waarom denkt hij dat er geen verbinding is... Maar hoe kan je jezelf helpen om sterk te staan? In de Filipijnen heb ik mijn familie. Mijn moeder. Zij is mijn ultieme bron van nieuwe positieve kracht. Zij gaat mij sturen om andere dingen te doen... Zij wilt niet dat ik blijf thuis... Maar zij is in de andere kant van de wereld. Hij was mijn nieuwe en andere bron van kracht. Misschien was ik moeilijk te hem... Maar wat ik deed was voor hem... Hij was nog een "man-child" maar hij was aardig. Hij heeft zijn kop in de wolken, maar hij was een aardige kerel... Hij moet nog groeien maar ik heb hem gezien als een "echt man" en ik vind dat leuk... Er is een verbinding, wel zacht, maar bestaand…

Ik weet echt niet precies wat gebeurt nu in mijn leven. I had lost the fight and now I don't know what to do anymore. Mijn other compass is gone. Waar moet ik heen nu naartoe? De beslissing is dat ik ga door met mijn leven… Hopelijk gelukkig zonder hem…

End log.

What happens when the ice melts...

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
-- Anon

Here I am again, feeling more alone than before... Everything that was is now gone, and I am left with nothing to support me with. He was the object of my affections, and nothing could compare more for what I feel for him than in any other person in my entire life (except family, of course)...

He had said that I had built too many walls to surround me... To guard me... Walls that were programmed to fortify themselves when I get hurt... A defense mechanism which has always kept me most of the time in harm's way... However, he has in the most subtle way, broken down my barriers... He has, in one way or another, conquered some of those barriers...

Now, most of the ice that has once shielded me is now gone. Contrary to what he thought, he had slowly broken the walls of ice down, and now I am left vulnerable... Now I am left to feel every bit of pain that used to be numbed out from my system... How am I to function normally now when it took years for me to build the icy wall around me...? Maybe it is true, what they say, "true love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leaves the deepest scars..."

Love sucks. Sometimes I wish I didn't give in to it. But human as we are, we give in to it with the hopes that this one is indeed the ONE. Only to find out that fate will take it away from you. No matter what you say, even though you continue to fight for it... Eventually, you run out of the will to go on, because the pain is much more greater and the fear that nothing will change lingers in your head... But the love is still there and you are juggling it alongside your fears and the pain and the hope... One wrong move, and everything falls and breaks...

By the words of Shakespeare himself, "Parting is such sweet sorrow..." The sorrow and pain I feel right now is something that I try to hide, as I always have... A heavy mask worn to protect my already fragile self-esteem and pride. It is a pain that I might have to live with for the rest of this lifetime... It may hurt like he**, but yeah, it's all been said and done... I can only hope that time will be kind to me and heal it with as less stings as possible...

Interesting and funny...

I found this link earlier today and I thought it was quite funny. I got it from Lea Salonga's blog (http://bigsis222.multiply.com/journal)! Although, I am not married nor do I have a child yet, I think this is an interesting topic... One, I think my father would have laughed about yet approved.. hehe =P As my dad would say, "magba-id ko sa akong kumo" (I will sharpen my punch!)

Here is the link... Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

However, for those who cannot connect to the link, here is the article:
-----------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME _____________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ____________

HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________

SOCIAL SECURITY #______________ DRIVERS LICENSE #____________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________

CITY/STATE ____________________________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _______________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _________________________________

If less than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? ____________

mother? ___________

pastor? ____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

____________________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.


Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

One year and onwards...

Higante (Giant) and I are now one year and eightteen days old together and still counting... We have our similarities, but there are also a lot of our difference that makes us fight... Me fight him more than he does fight me... However, he's always been patient (especially when my temper is at full), and supportive in everything that I have been doing... We are a team... Not only in gaming, but also in RL (real life), I guess...

I know this is quite mushy, but I heard this song while working today... In fact, I almost hear it everyday, and everyday that I'm not with him, my mind wanders a bit when I hear this song... It wanders as similar emotions conveyed by the singer are stirred within me...

Colbie Caillat: "Bubbly"

I've been awake for a while now
You got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Wherever it goesI always know
That you make me smile

Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under covers staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

It starts in my toes
Make me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

What am I going to say
When you make me feel this way
I just mmmmm

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

And it starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'cause you make me smile baby
Just take your time now
Holdin' me tight

Wherever wherever wherever you go
Wherever wherever wherever you go

wherever you go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while


Is it the song itself? Or is it because of a keyword in this song... hmmm... I will never know...