Breaking free from one's cage...

The several days have been an eye opener for me. I've been so busy that after lying low for a while of totally unpredictable busyness, everything is just hittingme in the head, one realization after next.

I attended a seminar last Sunday with a group of friends and cousins, and I was amazed at the insights I got from that event. It was truly an eye-opener and preparing for that day was just hectic. But it was worth everything. The speakers, Olive and Ernie, were just awesome! I mean they had a positive aura around them that will blow you
away! I realized that in life, one meets a lot of mentors... I can't thank my own direct mentor, cousin Romina, for letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The past couple of days of lying low has been times of contemplation for me with regards to what I've learned from that seminar. A few things that struck me the most were the following:

• Do not pre-judge people. In retrospect, I think that I have fallen under this trap a lot of times. Although not all of them ended up bad, a few have been, causing me to think at times, wishing fervently, that I could turn back the hands of time to undo things and make sure I never met those people. But Olive was right, those who cause resistance and friction with you, are those that make you stronger...

I wouldn't say that I still don't feel really bad whenever I remember what they did, what she did. You see several months ago, maybe almost a year, I was involved in an incident that flushed out the truth in how people saw me... I think I've written a blog about this, I forgot what the title was...

For those who didn't know me, a couple of years back, my father died of a heart attack. Back then, I was in my first semester as a senior in the university. I was devastated by his death, and because of that I fell into a state of depression that nobody knew I was undergoing...

On the outside, I would still smile, I would still be myself more or less, but in the inside, I was crumbling like a stone statue... During those times, those people saw the worst of me, and because they were people I looked up to I confided in them... Silly, naive me...

For years, I thought of them as second parents, because at first, confiding in them felt natural. I didn't want to show my tears back at home because the pain of my father's death was still fresh in everyone's minds especially my youngest brother, Bog. I didn't want to cause anymore distress... Anyway, as the semester ended, my grades plummeted down... I cared less about education at that time... All I wanted
to have once more was my Dad. You should've seen me back then. I was the perfect example of the phrase, "Physically present, but mentally absent". I wanted to quit school because i didn't want to study anymore. As far as i was concerned, one of the persons whom I was studying hard for was already gone... Dad was the beacon of light for me... He loved everything I did. He was my greatest fan... Nobody could ask for more.. But back then i couldn't see that because I was blinded by my raging teenage hormones... I didn't want to be controlled by Dad because I was afraid that it might be considered "uncool"...

Back to the story, since those people saw me at my darkest times, I figured that they must've not thought much about me as their student. Eventually years later, I learned that SHE had told one of my bosses in my previous job that "I didn't know what I was doing, so take it easy on her". Sure I complained a lot. I complained a lot because I was under stress and I didn't have time to unwind anymore... I don't know if you'd understand but if you worked in an almost 24/7 shift and you'd spend your free time and day offs sleeping, you'd understand how wound up I was with all the stress i was having... Complaining would've been a logical outlet... That really hurt me a lot, and although I haven't seen a hair of her now, or have I talked to her, my temper still sizzle everytime I remember what she did.

That's the one thing, I'd never do to my students... I realized how emotionally damaging and disturbing an indirect and subtle comments like that could be to a person. I was depressed for months after that incident, and after that I started to be on guard with everyone I met, especially teachers... And while I was teaching, if I had comments about what I have observed on my students, I keep them to myself. I don't tell them to other teachers, unless it was something positive... I don't want them to undergo what I've undergone... Hadn't it been for the continuous emotional support I get from my Mom, I would've never gotten over that. Maybe that's the reason why I've come to appreciate "Dutch Directness" so much. Although the truth hurts and
it usually does, it isn't as painful as when it is said behind your back and most especially to someone else...

I've been asked if I will ever forgive her. "To err is human, to forgive is divine.", I've been quoted once. But then I don't feel divinity in me... Maybe in the future, but not now.. Not when the scar is still fresh and painful...

• When dreaming, DREAM BIG and beware of the "dream stealers". I have one very big dream in life - TO RETIRE YOUNG (ON OR BEFORE I'M 35) AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE DOING THINGS I ALWAYS LOVE TO DO... A few of the smaller dreams attached to this bigger dream are 1.) to own and live in a big house situated right smack in the middle of a huge piece of (farm)land surrounded by a gazillion fruit trees, complete with the gadgets that I need to survive, with my family, 2.) to give/teach the Deaf the highest quality of education that they deserve, and 3.) do theater for the rest of my life...

Call me a really big dreamer, but then again, weren't we all big dreamers when we were younger? Haven't you ever dreamt of becoming something that you really really wanted to be? When I was around seven or six, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut. But I never became one because when I got older, I shrunk my dreams to what I was capable of. I shrunk my dream because of this mindset "I can never be an astronaut because the Philippines doesn't have a NASA. ANd since I'm not an American citizen, I'll never be on NASA's space programs..." Then as I grew older I wanted to become a theater actor.. But at the last minute, I enrolled into the Computer Science course because I was too chicken to face the very thing that I loved, because there was no money in theater...

The same goes with my brother, Rian. He told me and my mom that he definitely wants to become a pilot. Should I tell him "NO, FIND ANOTHER KIND OF DEGREE BECAUSE WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT." Instead, after a talk with him while we went jogging one time, I told him, "Go pursue that piloting course you always want after you finish high school. We've got you covered for that. Just promise me and Mommy one thing if we do give you that dream... Study hard and never quit on it, even if it gets really hard..."

I've been contemplating on the difference between a realist and a pessimist. In my opinion, a realist would think that something may or may not be achieveable because of given facts, but will try his best to get the result that he wants. He will try to make it into a reality. The pessimist, on the other hand, will see the facts and say "it's too difficult" and with that he gives up and that's the end of it...

Just like my own two hondjes (puppies), Mocha and Nacht, I have broken free from my own cage. I placed these two lovable dogs in cages because I was so afraid that the other dogs would treat them right... That they would get hurt and I wouldn't be there to protect them. But protecting them is not the only thing I do in this world. They are not the only ones I care about. I can't coddle them to safety, not especially since I'll be leaving for the Netherlands soon... So I let them go... They got into a few fights with other fellow puppies, they were a bit shocked by the vastness of the space they had now... They were no longer cramped in a small area... They got a chance to explore... I think they got a chance to grow... Tonight, when I played with them, they seemed happier than when they were in the cage... And I know they will grow up to be big and strong girls, who will not only defend themselves and their future pups, but also my own family... ;)

After whats happened to my life, I've become jaded, negative.. I've fallen into a void. But recently I've also learned that not all people are negative like the ones I mentioned above. There are people like Olive and Ernie, and my cousin Romina too, who have an aura bursting with positive energy... I realized I should find more people like them, because it is through people like them that will make my dreams come true. Being negative will never get you to what you want to be in your life. So much more being around dream-stealing and extremely pessimistic people. They will just pull you down... They will show you that you can't get what you want because they didn't. Who are they to tell you that?!? Who are they to steal your dream away?!? Always remember: THEY ARE NOT YOU!!! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TRULY CAPABLE OF...

I'm leaving for the Netherlands soon, maybe my trip there would help my dreams come true, maybe not. But
one thing is for sure: I won't stop until I get my dream and get it right!!! My dream is strong enough to survive the hardship and the delay. Ten years maybe too long for many, but for me, I will endure those ten long agonizing years rather than spend the rest of my life as a miserable old biatch with nothing and a broken dream... I will never listen to people who think that they mean well for you but actually they don't, because in reality they are jealous that you are still able to dream and you are working hard for it... They do this because if you do get to fulfill that dream of yours, you'll make them feel even more miserable...

So listen to your dream... Listen to your heart's desire... BREAK FREE!!!

My Ringside Analysis of Life

Personal log - 8th of July, 2006 (very early morning)

It's been five days since "MANO A MANO" or what's commonly known as the Pacquiao-Larios boxing fight. I mean, I'm no boxing afficionado, but hey, what could I lose, right? Anyway, it's also been days since the BP that I attended. Since then, both events have given me things to think about.

It may not be the best opinion of all, but I want to share my thoughts. I realized that life is like a boxing match. Life is like that fight between Larios (Chololo) and Pacquiao (Pacman). Why do I say that? Here are some points I've noticed:

• 1st and 2nd rounds. In the first two rounds of the fight, as Chololo and Pacman were throwing punches at each other, I noticed that both fighters were sizing each other up. No one really threw any major punches at anybody. I thought to myself, we are like that sometimes. In life, as we go through new things, we tend to test our waters. We try to size this new thing in our life up, see if we can handle it. Sure, life tends to throw us some easy punches here and there and we retaliate by facing up to those challenges. No biggie. We survive. And then, sometimes in the back of our minds, we tend to think, "This is no challenge. Bring it on!"
  
• 3rd round. In the third round, Chololo almost knocked Pacman down, when he gave a flurry of punches at the latter fighter when his guard was down. Pacman became a bit dizzy and maybe he was caught by surprise there. For a moment there, he stood by the ropes, as Chololo continued to barrage him with punches. There are times in life when we become too lax, too complacent. Sometimes we don't notice that after we've challenged life to "bring it on", we tend to relax thinking that life will continue to give us easy undertakings. But most of the time we are dead wrong. We are caught off-guard and we become confused and "dizzy". We sometimes tend to just stand still, and let life continue to give us its punches. But I'd rather, we decide to shake off that confusion and start dodging those hits. Like Pacman, we should decide to not let life control our game, but instead, let us control our life...
  
• 4th to 6th rounds. In this round, Chololo and Pacman exchange a punch after punch, the level and intensity of each punch increase more and more as each moment passes by. Sometimes, Chololo gives Pacman a good right hook. Pacman, on the other hand, returns the favor to the Mexican boxer. Eventually, if we decide to take on life and it's challenges we realize that the fight is not going to be easy anymore. We realize that life is really going to "bring it on" and is going to take it to the next level each time. Faster, stronger. That's how the fight felt. And that's how life feels sometimes. But we move on. We sidestep and dodge the blow if we can. Sometimes, we meet it head on. For as long as we continue to fight and not give up. It was also noticeable in these rounds that the Mexican boxer's face was starting to swell and get bruised badly. It bled. At times we end up becoming Chololo's. But we have to remember that he didn't stop fighting Pacman when his face started to bleed. NO. Instead, he continued to fight, despite the pain of each blow to his face. Despite the fact that his eyes blurred and burn as the blood from his wound dripped and ran to his face.
  
• 7th round. During this time, Chololo's face was becoming worse and worse. He was becoming tired. He was starting to slow down. He was deviating from their gameplan. Manny, on the other hand, calmly gave his opponent a punch or two here and there. Eventually, when he saw that the Mexican boxer's guard suddenly stooped, he took it as an opportunity to give the latter fighter his first knockdown. There are times where in we get so frustrated with what's going on with our lives that we deviate from our "gameplan". We end up throwing reckless and, most of the time, pointless punches here and there. Sometimes we are so focused on getting even with that person or with what's happening to us, that in some point, we let our guard down. This gives life to find other opportunities to throw at us to try and bring us down. Yes, sometimes we indeed fall to our knees. But like Chololo, we must stand up again, to face the next round.
  
• 8th to 12th rounds. In this round, Chololo staggers as he tries to keep up with Pacman. In this time, I think he has his 3rd facial bruise and it's way horrible than the other two he had in the earlier rounds. But Pacman is still in good shape. Also, the crowd calls out Pacman's name, not his. Sometimes in life, we hear people cheering us on in times of trials. Sometimes we feel so alone. Yet despite that, we should remain focused in what our goal is. If you feel someone cheers you on, use that positive reinforcement to boost you up to face life's harder challenges. But if you feel that you are alone, don't let that discourage you. Life didn't throw those punches in order to have people cheer you on. Life threw them to make you stronger, to make you ready for the coming punches. I've read a quote somewhere and it said, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." You may be given yet another knockdown, but don't let that stop you. Take a rest. Assess your gameplan. Assess your strategies. Then get back up. Never EVER give up! Unlike boxing, life has unlimited rounds, and it has unlimited challenges. Face up to those challenges. Go through all the rounds. One day, you will be victorious. However, if you quit, you become nothing... Not even to yourself...
  

The best thing about the fight that I've learned that whatever life brings us, whether it puts us up or down, we should always remember to stay humble. Humility keeps our feet firmly planted to the ground. Humility helps maintain a positive and healthy relationship with the people around us... Humility is our "pogi points" in this life, especially when we are successful.

Sometimes we are like Chololo, and sometimes we are like Pacman. It's not important if we win or lose. The important thing is that when we win, we win gracefully and with humility. If we lose, we stay humble, yet we learn from our mistakes, then move on...

Whoever thought boxing was just for entertainment? I respect both fighters for their strength and endurance during the match. Surely, I did learn something from that match, and hopefully so did you.

End log.