Preparing the mind...

Personal log - 26th of September, 2006.

Now marks the 5th day since my birthday and the 7th day since I received news of my IND's approval. For the past several weeks, I have been brought up for a state of almost lost hope and a feeling of boredom, to a euphoria of being high and a whole other myriad of mixed emotions...

Eversince I got back from Rizal from the training, I've been excited and seemingly the Cebuano and female version of Gary V. For the first month of waiting, I was "Miss Pure Energy". Not I'm not that anymore, but for some reason as the days and the weeks went by, and I heard news of my other fellow trainees leaving for NL, I felt a bit jealous. A bit jealous because I was so hyped up into flying already, that I didn't think I'd be picked almost at the last.. hehehe But then, for some reason, I'm here a few days from my interview date, and I'm scared as ever... Why? I don't know...

I'm 24 years old now but maturity-wise, I feel as though I'm still stuck in my teens... Yes, at times I ramble a lot... Some of them are facts... I'm a nerd, a geek, a dork, or whatever you can think of calling me... I read and I like learning new stuff... I like hearing other people's opinions in things... I also like thinking and thinking out loud... Some of them are just some wacky ideas that come out of this thick coconut shell called my head... So some may think of me as smart, some just think of me as crazy or weird...

However, everything you see is but one side of the coin... Just one side of the moon... The light side of the moon... The other side is a dark place which I try so hard not to show... I may look like a tomboyish young lady who seems so strong and manly, she's one tough cookie to crack... But the tough cookie is merely the outer part... Inside this cookie is a soft, fragile person ready to break... Guys are either usually intimidated by me or would treat me like one of them... Sometimes its great, sometimes it also sucks... Why? Because...

I have a temper which I so work hard to suppress... An impulsive drive to do things that sometimes I end up making the wrong decisions... Having seen my friends and family/relatives and their 'relationships', I've always shielded myself, placed a wall around myself, that even I have a problem going past it... But when I see them happy with the people that they love, I end up feeling jealous... Maybe because silently and secretly I wish I was as happy as that with someone who loves you apart from your family... Someone you can run to when you are down as hell, and you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything's okay. Yes, I've stumbled more the past couple of years than my life in total... All in all, I am NOT PERFECT! And I've always tried to stand up, or when things are really rough, have dragged myself to where I'm supposed to... ALONE...

Maybe I need to grow up... Maybe this one year in the Netherlands will just give me that... I am so scared to leave... Everything is going to be new there... I might have prepared myself linguistically and culturally, but still you can't prepare yourself enough... Maybe I'm just becoming emotional because in truth I've never been so emotionally stressed in my life... The trip in Manila has been an eye-opener for me that I have a very bad case of homesickness than anyone there is in the world... But I'm not backing out... If there's one thing my parents have ever taught me is that once you've made up your mind, you should never back down from it and never regret the decision you made...

I AM GOING TO THE NETHERLANDS... For me its not the land of milk and honey... For me it will be my sanctuary and my proving ground... The place that will give me a chance to think clearly... And make me stronger than I will ever be... That despite the nasty case of homesickness, I will survive. That despite the numerous adjustments I must make, I will survive! That despite every wrong decision I've made, this trip to the Netherlands will make it right!

Maybe my Mom is right. Maybe, I really really need to grow up. Straighten things in my life... Career-wise, I am happy with teaching... Eventually i will end up working and doing my dream "job".... I will be able to make sound decisions... I may feel a myriad of emotions that I'm familiar with and some which I don't understand... I have to be strong... I am going to be strong.... Fear can be paralyzing, and I don't want that... It's all in the mind... I must prepare my mind for the bigger picture... The bigger picture is that in a several days, something new will begin... It will be a new chapter of this adventure called life.... My life...

End log.

Gefeliciteerd!

Personal log - 10th of September, 2006.

Hallo everyone! How's you guys?!? I hope you're all doing fine.

Anyway, I'm here again writing something new in this so-called journal of mine. Although this post won't be anything about travel, but it sure is "POST WORTHY" in this blog since it happens to talk about something which has happened recently to the most unsung hero of my life - my Mom.

Last September 8th, my Mom finally graduated from her 12-month certificate course in Practical Nursing. Yes, it has been an interesting 12 months for all of us, seeing our mother going back to school and all, studying for exams like the rest of us... hehehe She will now tackle a new thing in her life - reviewing for the Nursing board!

It was really funny looking at things in a different perspective. Seeing my Mom go up that stage and get her "Nurse's pin" and her diploma was something different, especially since I was there sitting beside her as her "escort" during the entire ceremony. I felt a bit sad that Dad wasn't here to see her graduate, but I know, wherever he is at, he saw her and I know he was very proud of her. Besides, had my Dad been alive, I know, my Mom wouldn't have gone to Nursing school in the first place. I was so proud of my Mom! No, not "was", but I AM PROUD of my Mom! She, along with my Dad, has always been my inspiration to strive for the best in whatever endeavor I do. She has always been my IDOL! I think all of my siblings share the same sentiments as well...

There were a few academic and special awards given away during the graduation ceremony and I know my Mom deserved this award: "Best in Clinical Practice" award. I know by heart and I have seen in her dedication in her studies and work in the hospitals (hospital duty) that she knows what she's doing and she really is the hardest working Nursing intern there is! I feel guilty when there are times when I wouldn't drive for her, and she's very tired from working several hours in the hospital wards doing rounds and assisting in hospital procedures. But if I really force the issue, that would sound like sour-graping over the award, which is not something that my Mom has taught us. What is important is that, if ever she does work abroad as a Nurse (which I very much object by the way), she really knows what she is doing!

We celebrated her graduation at SIDELINE RESTAURANT, which was near my sister's workplace. The food was great and most of the important people were there. People who were dear to my Mom's heart. The cousins (from my Mom's side, who live in Cebu) were complete too! We had so much fun during the dinner. We all had a great time with each other, everyone were so sociable! It was as though we haven't seen each other in a very long time. Well, a few weeks apart from each other, we cousins tend to be so happy just to be gathered all over again! hehehe

Almost after the party finished, the older cousins (myself included) decided go start the "BALUT SESSIONS"... A tradition among us cousins which started eversince the time when Tante (aunt) Bhebs and Oom (Uncle) Erik and family came here to Cebu. Although I don't like Balut (duck embryo) myself, since I prefer to eat Penoy (just plain incubated egg), I was just happy munching along. Like I had a choice with the balut. The only balut available near Sideline was that of 14-day old chick embryo. So basically, it was my very first time eating it! hehehe Not really my favorite, and I suggest for first time eaters, please... oh please, eat it with salt!

Anyway, it was a great night. Great food and great company! Best of all, me and the boys were able to bond on the way home. Something I will never forget. It seems that as the years have gone without Dad, we have become closer. Not that having Daddy around we were so distant, but it seems that through events like these when we get together as a family, we feel closer... And if only I can capture that day and keep it as it, I would. I so wish Daddy was there... So now, Mom opens a new chapter in her life, in our lives... And we will all be there to continue rooting for her!!! Congratulations on your graduation, MOm! I love you so much! We love you so much! You deserve it!

The pictures of this event will be posted within next week. It's still in Oom (Uncle) Art's camera... To access the pictures, please go to: http://photos.yahoo.com/kayericamora.

End log.

Of denied requests and long walks...

Personal log – 6^th of September, 2006.

Hello everyone! How’s everything going on? No travel news as of the moment but I’m well, still in Cebu. Might travel again soon but I don’t know just yet.

After weeks of silence, I’m writing once more, but not on my usual positive self. I just came back from my school yesterday to have my request for “internship” submitted to the higher ups of the school. Gisteren, ik ben was teleurgesteld dat mijn “verzoek” was niet goedkeuring gegeven. Zij gezeggen te me dat Nederland is ver ver uit en niemand kan controleren (supervise) me. Ik kan begrijp dat zij kan niet goedkeuring gegeven. First of all, I still had a few subjects to take this “teaching internship”. But I specifically wrote in my letter that I would take all of them when I got back from the NL. I wasn’t planning on skipping on all of them. I’m not the type of student who expects to graduate without doing the work. Besides, if I did my teaching internship in NL, wouldn’t it be ridiculous to learn American Sign Language when the NL has Nederlands Gebaren Taal (NGT or Dutch Sign Language)!?!? Tweede, ik was de eerste student wie de “verzoek” maken. Ik kan begrijp dat zij zijn bang. Then one of the “higher ups” gave me this “I-told-you-so” look which even gemaakt ik heel boos! Is it so wrong to want to be different? Is it so wrong to dare not to be average?!?

So I decided to take a walk to Ramos which was a few hundred meters from the school just to cool off. I was going to help out in the SPED clinic yesterday, and I didn’t want to be angry around the kids, especially not these kinds of kids. Eventually after the walk, I got on a jeepney and I said to myself, “I will still try to observe special kids in NL, whether they like it or not!” They can’t make me average. I decided long ago to not to be average, and I am not going back! Many people die unfulfilled lives, because they remain average. I read that somewhere. I want to be successful. I am one of those in the minority of “once” average people who decided to do extraordinary things… or in my case, WILL DO extraordinary things… ;)

When I got to the SPED clinic, I was assigned to help teach this young Dyslexic/ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) boy. He was so hyper and very smart. He liked being praised for what he does, which I gladly did. He was doing well too, so I decided to treat him nicely that day despite my already simmering temper… It turned out after his one hour session that my anger had subsided and I felt rewarded to have helped him out that day. I mean, I wasn’t his “main” teacher, I was only assisting, but assisting him made me happy when I saw the happy smile on his face when I told him of his achievements for that day.

Funny, the professor who runs the clinic said that THAT boy didn’t like the idea of changing teachers abruptly and I was lucky he wasn’t being “pissy” and showing me his own temper at me that day. And I was glad that he was so well-behaved! For an ADHD kid, I was wondering if I was going to be running around the school after him! hehehe

For those who don’t understand it, please refer to my http://world.altavista.com to translate the Duch parts of this blog.

End log.