How I wish...

Personal log - 21st of February, 2007.

"Ben jij verliefd, Kaye?" That is the common question here for me. Nearly three people have asked it to me already. And I have always answered them the same answer - "I wish I were..."

I always wonder why they ask me such a question. Especially now in my current emotional state of mind. Of course, they don't know that I've been already through a few relationships... and that one of them is the cause of my depression lately. Nobody quite knows that. I keep that within the confines of my room. Not outside. It's not professional.

But why do people ask me that? IS it because of my age? Or do I look like I'm in love? Do I project such an aura around people? Oh I hope not because I'm not really interested.

If I was "verliefd", what's in it for them? Is my being NOT verliefd affecting my work? Is that the reason that they have taken notice? Oh I hope not as well.

I think my "parameters" for a relationship has always been simple. I've never really, really looked for the most handsome guy to be my boyfriend. I've never even really looked for the rich guys. That would be too superficial. But those are usually "plus" points, but not necessary, because some of these guys end up being BIG jerks. But is it so hard to ask for a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders whom you share things in common with? A guy whom you can talk to about anything at anytime and still you don't get bored or you don't have to be scared that he will run away as soon as you come running to him with a problem/frustration or something that you're interested in but he's not quite into it... A guy who will not be able to give you everything, but he will give you his time and his companionship and that would be enough... But the big question is: DOES A GUY EVER EXIST?

But of course, I've been burned so many times that I am so scared to even think a guy of that character even exists. I am scared that if such a guy comes into my life, he would just slip away from my hands again and leave me miserable with myself. I am afraid that I might scare him away because I've been running "Red Alert" and kept my shields up for so long that he can't come near me anymore. I am afraid that if I haven't managed to scare him away, he'd get bored with me. I'm scared that if I haven't managed to bore him with my usually "boring" nature, I will scare him away with my temper. I am scared that if I don't scare him away with my temper, he will just slip away because circumstances would fit just like a missing jigsaw puzzle piece and not allowing us to be together.

I am a simple girl with simple wants. But I am scared that I give in to those wants I will become weak, as I have become now. I don't want that. If that was the case, then I'd rather be single. Ik ben hooploos, denk ik. Dat is een veel te groot droom. A part of me says, "How I wish..." Another part of me tells me "Dream on..."

End log.

This mirror indeed has two faces...

Personal log - 11th of February, 2007.

The pail is full and has overflowed. I am once again in a depressive state of mind. My emotions are tied in knots. I have sorted some out already and I have come to a conclusion that maybe, I am just not meant for relationships. Bah. Relationships.

This is according to Webster:
Main Entry: re·la·tion·ship
Pronunciation: -sh&n-"ship
Function: noun
1 : the state of being related or interrelated
2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : KINSHIP b : a specific instance or type of kinship3
a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings b : a romantic or passionate attachment

A romantic or passionate attachment. Bah. Romance and the kind of passion that is strung with it makes you weak. It all starts with attachment and slowly your emotions are so tied up with the object of your affection. And when everything goes chaotic and doesn't turn the way you at least hope it would be, you are tied in knots and you are left confused. You try to do everything you can, yet always something goes wrong. Nothing can ever be right...

I'm tired of doing that. But where can you find such a relationship wherein you don't have to necessarily have to pour out all of your emotions into it? Where in you aren't that much attached? In relationships, there is no such thing as a gray area. It has to be black or white. I've come to chose black. I give up on love. I don't usually just quit, but in this case, I do.

However, my work doesn't allow me to be depressed. I don't have the luxury of doing that. In the confines of my room, I can but when I go out my door, I have to put on another mask. A very fragile mask of being so tough and passive and all professional. As though nothing can get past me. As though I'm not affected at all. But when I go back to my room at night, the mask breaks and another face - the more truthful face, comes into view. The face of a crying and pathetic woman I had turned out to be. All because of this thing -- LOVE... This seems to be such a small word but it's effects can be mind numbing and can bring you down to your knees in tears...

I don't know for how long I have to wear these two faces, but one thing is for sure. I am raising my white flag because I give up and I stand by that decision... In a few days is Valentine's day, yet I don't feel so upto it. I can't take it anymore... Love and all it's so-called sugary sweetness is for woosies... I guess, I am destined... NO! I was born to be alone after all...

End log.